Parody is Therapy

Wall Street Tycoon Shattered by OWS

2011-12-07T08:46:00.005-05:00

NEW YORK, NY-- Wall Street tycoon and hedge fund manager Charles Towers cries himself to sleep every night, distraught over the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.

"I"m not sure I can go on... It's just too much. All these unwashed college kids don't like me! Maybe I'll quit my lucrative job and join the demonstrators so they'll like me," Towers said.

When told about Towers, protestor Steven Richards said that he shouldn't take it so hard. "I'm really just here for the chicks and the Woodstock-like atmosphere."

Towers, who made $480 million dollars last year, said the protestors have inspired him to cut his bonus next year from $23 million to $22.95 million.

Jury Brainwashed by Instructions

2011-07-06T14:18:00.011-04:00

ORLANDO, FL-- The members of the jury for the Casey Anthony murder trial were hypnotized and brainwashed by a court official giving jury instructions, according to one eyewitness.

Arthur Jones, 43, of Clearmind, FL reports that the jury was brainwashed to believe that "reasonable doubt includes space aliens coming to earth and ending the life of Anthony's child," he said yesterday.

The jury members were then scrupulously admonished not to "let common sense enter into this trial" and thereafter they obediently followed the defense attorney's lead.

After the verdict, one of the jurors was heard asking "what just happened?" after the defense attorney uttered a prearranged word that signaled for the jury to wake up. -ts

Study Finds Munitions Used in Afghanistan Actually Improve Environment

2011-06-20T09:26:00.002-04:00

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN--For most countries, the waste of a war contributes to environmental pollution -- spent ammunition, broken buildings, the scrap metal of destroyed vehicles and civilian infrastructure, and the assorted few radioactive munitions leave behind slightly radioactive debris.

In Afghanistan, a study has found that the country was so used up and barren before the war that environmental pollution left behind is actually enriching the soil and the country. Scrap iron can be recycled into new items. Bombs cultivate the soil and reveal rich earth under the parched burnt topsoil. -CE

Bush-Obama War Doctrine Outlined

2011-06-20T08:42:00.004-04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Bush-Obama war doctrine was announced yesterday in a short ceremony at the Rose Garden.

Former President Bush joined President Obama to announce that "the Bush-Obama doctrine is to fight only unwinnable, endless wars in countries that do not involve the national interest."

Foreign policy analysts were pleased with the accuracy of statement and added that "wars fought while the country is mired in smothering debt are even better." -TS

Weiner Poor Scandal Player

2011-06-13T09:32:00.010-04:00

NEW YORK, NY--Experts say that Anthony Weiner, the embattled congressman who sexted a college-aged girl, has played "Scandalopoly" poorly.

"It's the textbook way to fail at Scandalopoly: Congressmen makes a mistake, immediately denies mistake, promises full investigation, gets caught when others say he did the same to them too, takes 'full responsibility', says he'll attend the proverbial professional treatment program," said one of the inventors of the board game "Scandalopoly", which tests the players' ability to get ahead of a scandal.

"I'm disappointed in how piss-poor Weiner's play was," he added.

Newt Gingrich Spring 2011 Pander Winner

2011-05-24T10:21:00.010-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C.--Newt Gingrich today surprised many by winning the prestigious Spring 2011 "pander bear" contest.

"We felt he had the best credentials of any in the Republican field," said one of the judges. "His telling seniors what they wanted to hear was priceless."

Gingrich famously called the Paul Ryan plan "rightwing social engineering" in order to pander to seniors who don't want to see Medicare for non-seniors affected by potential cuts. Ryan's plan is said to set the Medicare program on a sustainable long-term spending trajectory. -TS

Unborn Children Not OK with Truce

2011-05-23T11:50:00.004-04:00

INDIANAPOLIS, IN--When Indiana governor Mitch Daniels raised the white flag asking that there be a "truce on social issues" he didn't speak for the unborn, who cringe at being labeled a "social issue" and who don't much like the idea of a truce being called on whether or not to kill them.

"It's personal for us. We would appreciate it if Gov. Daniels might recognize that there are things more important than a balanced budget," said a spokesman for unborn babies, "such as the right to life!" -TS

"Obama Math" Now Taught in Schools

2011-05-13T14:54:00.006-04:00

LANCASTER,PA--They're calling it "Obama Math" in the high school economic courses: that strategy of defining "budget cuts" as that which you might've spent in the future but now plan to save.

"It's really a cool budgeting tool," said Darby high school student Lawrence Jones. "You just say, 'I'm cutting the budget by a trillion dollars by saying you were planning on spending three trillion even if you were originally planning on spending two. It's cutting imaginary money, which makes it much less painful."

A 7th grader at a local middle school especially appreciated the "logic".

"My mom says I spend too much time on the phone and so I promised to cut back by saying that the rate of increase has slowed. I said if President Obama can get away with it, then why can't I? My mom said I don't have Obama's press corps." -TS

Romney "Defends" Romneycare

2011-05-13T14:33:00.004-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C.--Mitt Romney gave a major campaign speech yesterday underlining the reasons he instituted "Romneycare", a health care plan in Massachusetts that many say looks and feels like Obamacare.

The former governor said that he felt the health care law in Massachusetts was good for Massachusetts because of states' rights.

"I prefer damage be done on the state level and not federal level. I'm proud of what Massachusetts did because it wasn't the federal government doing it but because we did it to ourselves. I say if you're going to hurt yourself, it's better to do it at the state level. If I'm elected president of the United States, I won't be screwing up anything because I feel like that should only be done on a state or local level." -TS

OBL's Son Creates Own Parody

2011-05-13T13:42:00.001-04:00

Outti, Saudi Arabia--One of the sons of Osama bin Laden was shocked that his late father was not read his Miranda rights.

"I see a lot of corrupt Western TV," said Muhammed bin Laden, "and I know they're supposed to read you your Miranda rights. I've seen no report of this happening with my father."

PSA: Circus Canceled

2011-05-04T10:27:00.002-04:00

Notice: Due to Bin Laden's death, the various circuses planned to surround Bin Laden in captivity have all been cancelled. -CE

Obama is wondering...

2011-04-26T16:49:00.001-04:00

....why the price of oil and gasoline is so high? Maybe he should ask the EPA. -CE

Boehner's Boner

2011-04-14T12:36:00.001-04:00

Debt Ceiling Vote Haunts Obama

2011-04-13T09:03:00.004-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C.--President Obama said today he regrets having voted against the debt celing increase in 2006.

"I was wrong to vote on that one," he said. "It would've been better had I just voted 'present'. I tried hard to avoid controversial votes in the Senate in order to hoodwink the public into thinking I wasn't a big lib. I never thought this one would come back to bite me." -TS

Obama's Hobby: War Collecting

2011-03-24T11:59:00.009-04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Some collect butterflies. Other stamps or sports memorabilia. President Obama collects wars.

"I was given Iraq and Afghanistan from my predecessor and still have soldiers over there contrary to my campaign promises. Now I've added Libya to my collection. My goal is to eventually have all problematic countries in my war collection," said Obama on Tuesday.

Many wonder why the president seems to be acquiring new wars when the ones he has are expensive and time-consuming.

"The French goaded him into this. They said that if he doesn't go they will and that then his collection of intractable Middle Eastern wars would be incomplete," said one policy analyst. -TS

Judgment Day

2011-03-22T12:59:00.012-04:00

The committee to make us Christians look foolish has convened and put up a website. On the bright side perhaps we perform a service by giving the world a source of amusement.

"You know neither the day nor the hour." - Matt 25:13 -TS

Trump Opens Mouth, Inserts Food

2011-03-16T12:39:00.003-04:00

Most of the time when The Donald opens his piehole, I'm reminded of the old maxim 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.' -CE

2011-03-11T10:50:00.001-05:00

Scott Walker for President -CE

Local Man Predicts Sun Will Rise 365 Times This Year

2011-03-02T14:15:00.003-05:00

"Every morning, sometime between 4:00am and 10:00am EST the Sun will rise," said an anonymous Mechanicsburg resident.

And Warren Buffet predicts the US will create more jobs this year than were created last year. - CE

PanderBama Strikes Again!

2011-02-24T15:52:00.002-05:00

Not doing so well with the base, huh? No problem, I'll have Carney release a statement calling The Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional .... -CE

Underachievers' Group Lowers Barriers to Entry

2011-02-04T22:17:00.008-05:00

Schnectaday, NY-- A local support group for underachievers is lowering the barrier to entry by accepting non-dues paying members.

"We're not meeting the membership quotas we set out for ourselves," said the group's junior member, Mr. I.P. Daily. "So we decided make the qualifications less rigorous by ending the five dollar entry fee."

The group, which has no president or vice-president, has been in existence for almost two months.

-TS

Mubarak Pleads for Time to Use Restroom

2011-02-02T11:48:00.013-05:00

CAIRO, EGYPT--Egyptian ruler Hosnie Mubarak promised to step down today after he goes to the bathroom.

This comes on the heels of multiple promises to relinquish control after increasingly shorter intervals beginning with, "I'll retire after a couple more election cycles," followed by "I won't run again," to finally, "Please, I'll quit very soon."

Mubarak's latest promise, to retire after he uses the presidential bathroom one last time, has only led to greater unrest.

"He's been in power thirty years," said one Egyptian. "He can use the pot on his own time."

The Egyptian strong man has already resigned three times but never without his fingers crossed behind his back.

"He has more comebacks than Michael Jordan," said Muhammed Akeem.

-TS

Laconic Cowboy Last to Join Facebook

2011-01-18T12:43:00.010-05:00

Dead Gulch, AZ-- Laconic cowboy Terrence "Shooter" Orville became the last American to join Facebook.

"My sister in Memphis wanted me to join up, though I ain't got much to say," said Mr. Orville.

A quick look at Mr. Orville's "wall" confirms that. Since joining four months ago his only activity was to "like" the pop group ABBA.

Library Facilitates Its Own Demise

2011-01-18T10:42:00.004-05:00

The Buckinghamshire public library has solved the problem of finding a place for all those books: just lock the doors and send everyone home -- library closed!

"Teachable Moment" an Oxymoron

2011-01-12T11:29:00.011-05:00

A study released today by the University of Chicago showed that any moment labeled "teachable" by the media will, in fact, ensure the opposite.

"We found that use of the phrase 'teachable moment' was a turn-off. Generally, if you have to attempt to label it as teachable then, by definition, it's not. Teachable moments come through hard experience, not through partisan media blowhards lecturing the American people."

Other researchers concur, including one University of Michigan professor who questioned the wisdom of national conversations.

"We need to have a national conversation on whether there should be a moratorium on national conversations."

What's that old saying....?

2011-01-06T09:04:00.001-05:00

Never bring a wheelchair to a gunfight?

Early Adopter Swears off Afghanistan

2010-12-16T09:45:00.005-05:00

Former Russian president Vladimir Putin says that the experience of the Soviet Union, which was an early adopter of Afghanistan beta version, should've helped the U.S. steer clear.

"Been there, done that. Afghanistan is full of bugs and crude work-arounds. The only thing stupider than our buying it was for America to go for the 'alpha' version, which has even more bugs than the beta."

Diplomats and policy analysts have noted that Afghanistan doesn't load properly, takes up too much RAM, is prone to failure and self-corrupts, among other deficiencies.

Voters Come Home & Find the House Wrecked

2010-11-17T15:06:00.029-05:00

WASHINGTON D.C.--Voters went on vacation in late 2008 and put one of their youngest sons in charge of home and hearth: Barack H. Obama.

Young Obama found the keys to the car and the liquor cabinet ajar and went on a wild 18-month D.C.-style spring break before voters came back home and voted in a new Congress to babysit him.

"I had no idea he would go that crazy," said an aunt, "he looks so calm and self-possessed. Never thought he had a wild hair like that."

Mr. Obama left the house in shambles, full of smashed beer cans, wild spending parties. He maxed out credit cards and took out loans his parents can't afford to pay back.

"I admit I probably got a bit carried away," said Obama upon looking at the wreckage he'd wrought. "But I'm betting history will look back at the wild spending debauch as necessary for saving the economy."

"Democrats Gone Wild": Celebrating passage of historically damaging legislation

Definition of Hubris -- NY Rep. Charles Rangel

2010-11-15T13:30:00.006-05:00

Link here:

"New York Rep. Charles Rangel .. appears to have improperly used political-action committee money to pay for his defense ..."

He broke House Ethics Rules to pay for his defense regarding the breaking House Ethics Rules. -CE

Liberal Media Continues "Elect a Democrat" Drive

2010-11-01T10:27:00.000-04:00

The mainstream press continued its drive to get Democrats elected in the upcoming midterms by fixating on weak Republican candidates like Christine O'Donnell and ignoring weak Democrat candidates like Chris Coons.

The networks and print press have also declared a moratorium on discussing jobs or the economy, but instead have developed a sudden interest in finance campaign law, tracing the Republican domination of the polls to the party having too much in campaign funds.

A rally was held in Washington D.C. asking for a "return to civility", ironic considering Democrat hatred of George W. Bush, but something that can be relied on like clockwork whenever Democrats are losing.

Priceless...

2010-10-26T12:31:00.009-04:00

You're the head of an elitist, left-leaning organization where education is equated with goodness.

You "earn" hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

Your memo declaring that commentator Juan Williams "violated a principal" becomes public.

..hmm....maybe Vivian Schiller should consult the grammar girl:

Make NPR "National Private Radio"

2010-10-22T09:36:00.002-04:00

I don't listen to NPR as a rule, but whenever I get on public transportation with an NPR Administrator, I get real nervous ...

2010-10-21T09:35:00.006-04:00

...inspired by comment on website that read:

O'Donnel/Palin in 2012!!
If you have Cojones you will Vote Witch/Bitch in 2012

Muslim Extremist Upset Over Tag

2010-10-15T12:42:00.014-04:00

Abduhl Mohammed, who studied at U.C.L.A. and is a proponent of jihad, prefers the term "extremist who happens to be Muslim" rather than Muslim extremist. University professors from across the U.S. raced to vow to heretofore always refer to Muslim terrorists as "extremists who happen to be Muslim."

In a prepared statement, Mr. Mohammed said that in California he learned "to be very politically correct while also proficient in inflammatory Islamic rhetoric -- or inflammatory rhetoric that happens to be Islamic, if you will. My professors always emphasized being P.C. and the importance of the clause 'happens to be' when mentioning groups other than white males, and that's all I recall from the Great Satan's university. So I hereby declare a fatwa on all of those who use the term 'Muslim extremist'! Death to America!"

Obama Takes On Rotary Club, Shriners

2010-10-12T08:54:00.009-04:00

President Obama today charged the local rotary club and Shriners with funneling millions of foreign money into U.S. campaigns.

"I know it isn't my message that's broke, it's the campaign finance system. And chief among the culprits is the Republican money laundering operations of the rotary club and the Shriners," he said, without citing evidence. "I think the Shriners keep the money in those hats."

Obama then went on to accuse the Little Sisters of the Poor of nefarious Republican fund-raising.

Prove Me Wrong

2010-10-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

Obama Not Naturalized Citizen! Ineligible for POTUS!

There, I said it. Now its up to the O'ministration to prove me wrong.

Senate Bill Ensures Rights for 26-year olds

2010-10-05T19:14:00.003-04:00

They can drink alcohol, vote, and go to war but recent health care legislation relieves twenty-six year olds of the responsibility of paying for health insurance. And now, if Senate Bill 1620 becomes law, they will be entitled to a weekly allowance from their parents, no "time outs" and free ice cream.

"It's a way of saying 'thank you' to the twenty-somethings who voted for me," said President Obama.

Critics call the bill "condescending to our young adults" but a co-sponsor of the bill said that he was "outraged by the suggestion that free ice cream could be demagogued by those on the right."

Obama the Next Sean Hannity?

2010-09-28T16:16:00.020-04:00

Given his off-the-cuff remarks on Gates-gate, the mosque near Ground Zero, and Fox News, insiders say that President Obama is sharpening his skills to fill the 9pm time slot on MSNBC after his career in the White House. Critics say that his latest comments could easily rest in the mouth of a partisan host like Sean Hannity [only the names have been changed]:

In his most forceful criticism of President Obama yet, Sean Hannity told Rolling Stone that the president is “ultimately destructive for the long-term growth of a country.”

“You had folks like FDR who used their power very intentionally to promote their viewpoints. I think Obama is part of that tradition – it is part of the tradition that has a very clear, undeniable point of view,” Hannity said.

Unsurprisingly, Hannity called Obama's voice “a point of view that I disagree with. It’s a point of view that I think is ultimately destructive for the long-term growth of a country that has a vibrant middle class and is competitive in the world.”

“But as a matter of passing destructive legislation, he's been wildly successful. And I suspect that if you ask Mr. Obama what his number one concern is, it’s that he be very successful at passing destructive legislation.”

Obama Administration Approves Book Burning

2010-09-27T11:02:00.002-04:00

While the O'ministration speaks out publicly against burning the Koran, they have no trouble burning 9,500 copies of "Operation Dark Heart," Army Reserve Lt. Col. Anthony Shaffer's memoir about going undercover in Afghanistan.

"Operation Dark Heart" had already been approved by the army (because info in it was already public). But the Defense Intelligence Agency read the book, and determined that parts of it compromised national security. After negotiations, they paid $5 per book to burn 9,500 existing copies and worked with the publisher to remove the objectionable content.

How's that for audacity?!

The O'ministraion spoke out against burning copies of the Koran because it might inflame religious tension abroad, then used taxpayer money to burn copies of a soldier's memoirs because the content might inflame US Citizens. -CE

Language Maven Upset Over Phrase "Happy Hour 5-8pm"

2010-09-22T16:06:00.002-04:00

O.C.D. Sufferer Awaits Smudge-Free iPad

2010-09-22T16:04:00.002-04:00

Brendan Jones, 42, of Poughkeepsie, NY is waiting patiently for Apple to come out with a smudge-free iPad.

"I had an iPad for a couple days," he said, "but had to send it back because I was compulsively cleaning it every few seconds. I was spending more time cleaning it than using it."

Mr. Jones says that his iPad free life allows more time for dusting the furniture and wiping the surface of the television screen.

Friday is National Glurge Day

2010-09-15T15:15:00.001-04:00

Islamophobia Rampant

2010-08-26T15:31:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK, NY-- Islamophobia is running rampant in the mainstream media.

That's the conclusion of a university professor studying the media and the Islamic faith.

"Mayor Bloomberg and others are crying 'Islamophobia' but I think they may be the unwitting victims of it. After all, 'phobia' means 'fear of' and it's the political left who are so afraid of offending Muslim sensibilities. That to me speaks of an unhealthy fear, and of not treating them like 'real Americans'," said Dr. Roger Hammerstein.

"One of the characteristics of a healthy culture is that we fight among ourselves, non-violently and hopefully respectfully, over the locations of businesses, schools, trash dumps, nuclear power plants, apartment complexes, churches, etc.. Now the reasons differ for each battle, and the reasons may not always be pretty, but the true Islamophobics are those afraid of offending Muslims for fear of a violent backlash. That's their true motivation, I believe, since the Left never speaks up for religious rights apart from Muslim rights."

Obama campaigning, ties Republicans to big business

2010-08-17T09:15:00.007-04:00

(Inspired by this).

'It was the Republicans who bailed out finance behemoths Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac ... uh, no, wait a minute, that was me and my fellow liberals in Congress.'

'But it was the Republicans who bailed out Insurance Giant AIG ... uh, no, wait a minute, I did that one too.'

'But it was the Republicans who bailed out GM and Chrysler ... uh, no, that was me.'

'It was the Republicans who bailed out corporate banks ... uh, no, wait a minute ...' Obama says as he scans his teleprompter.

'But it was the Republicans who bailed out CitiGroup and Bank of America ... well, it seems that was me too.'

'Well, there is one bailout I'm truly proud of, and that's the mortgage assistance I've provided the average homeowner ... of course the two year run of record numbers of mortgage defaults don't tell the whole story of that enormous success ...' -CE

Fashion Charges Dog Rep. Waters

2010-08-16T09:26:00.010-04:00

NEW YORK, NY--Fashionistas from across the nation gathered yesterday demanding that Rep. Maxine Waters be charged with crimes against fashion.

"What's up with those oversized glasses and '70s hairstyle? The whole look was stolen from Hollywood when Jack Nicholson was young."

Others claim that Waters might want to blame it on George W. Bush since everything else is his fault.

Waters, who recently complained that her ethical troubles were caused by former President George W. Bush, is a well-known sufferer from BDS, 'Bush Derangement Syndrome'.

BDS was placed on the American Psychiatric Association's DSM list of disorders in 2006; it has not been linked to fashion crimes against humanity yet.

Obama supports plan for mosque near ground zero

2010-08-16T09:08:00.006-04:00

Link

Muslims "have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country," Obama said, according to a White House transcript.

If that means killing and maiming those who aren't Muslim if their religion tells them to, then we must remember that "This is America. And our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable." -CE

Obama Orders Debt/Deficit to Shrink

2010-07-26T16:53:00.004-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C. -- President Barack Obama issued an executive order today commanding the federal debt and deficit to "shrink and desist immediately," even while refusing to pay for an extension of unemployment benefits with unused stimulus monies.

"By the power invested in me, as President and savior of these United States, I order this pesky debt and deficit to shrink and desist immediately if not even sooner," he said to a roomful of sycophantic reporters.

New! Work Therapy Device

2010-07-22T15:10:00.006-04:00

Worried about getting caught surfing the 'net at work? Not quick enough when clicking over to a spreadsheet? Then get the new No See-um 'Puter Hood^TM.

The No See-um 'Puter Hood ^TM is specially designed to bring you complete privacy while you check your stocks or read Drudge.

This soft 50% cotton hood also protects against dust particles. Order now and receive a free convex mirror free of charge!

Obama Victim of Spendgasm Addiction

2010-07-22T14:22:00.002-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C. - Doctors today confirmed that President Barack Obama is suffering from a dangerous addiction to spendgasms, the orgasmic short-term pleasure felt after something is purchased but not paid-for.

"He's got it bad," said one Dr. Emerson Tas. "He is quite willing to bring the country down rather than bring his addiction to keel."

Interventionists suggest a 12-step program for the most spendgasmic President in history.

"He needs to acknowledge a higher power," said Dr. Tas, "and by that I don't mean the Chinese."

The Decision

2010-07-12T09:43:00.002-04:00

We're going to take our talents to South Central Ohio.

That's the decision reached here at Parody is Therapy after weeks spent weighing offers from Rye, New York, Wausau, Wisconsin and Bald Gap, Kentucky.

The decision was a difficult one and was made shortly after getting up this morning and talking to our moms. But we felt we owed it to the state of Ohio to stay and to keep parodying for all your therapeutic purposes.

O-H! I-O!

2010-07-08T09:16:00.006-04:00

Future SCOTUS Nominee Can't Comment

2010-07-02T14:16:00.005-04:00

BAKERSFIELD, CA- Regina Philcoe, 7, refuses to comment on anything due to a potential conflict-of-interest if she fulfills her dream and becomes a Supreme Court justice.

"When teachers ask questions in class, Ms. Philcoe refuses to answer because someone could be covertly recording it and putting it on YouTube," said a family attorney for Philcoe. "Her goal is to become a Supreme Court justice and while watching the hearings she found that the best strategy to attain that goal is to comment on nothing."

Relatives of Philcoe say she's pretty much a "blank slate."

"I once asked her which team she rooted for and she declined to answer lest she offend future Senate judiciary members," said her uncle Jerry Philcoe. "You can tell she's learned a lot from recent Supreme Court nomination hearings."

Liberals Least Likely to Know They're Liberals

2010-06-23T16:22:00.003-04:00

BOSTON, MA-- The affliction of being liberal without knowing you are liberal is an increasingly common pheonomenon.

"Anosognosia," as it is known to social scientists, is endemic among liberals, most of whom insist that they "are in the mainstream."

Anosognosia may be the best explanation yet for the phenomenon of Blue Dogs, who keep voting with the Democratic leadership when it counts, but insist they’re not like those “other” Democrats.

(Credit to John Derbyshire in NRO)

2010-06-23T16:17:00.004-04:00

McCain Thanks Supporters for Nomination

2010-06-17T14:19:00.004-04:00

Saying it was "an honor just to be nominated," Sen. John McCain today thanked those who supported him in his 2008 bid to become president.

"I can't thank the Republican voters enough for nominating me for President. That was my goal all along, to capture the Republican flag. It's like how some major league baseball teams care more about winning the pennant than the World Series. Just to be on the big stage is excitement enough."

Political pundits from left and right said that sounded about right.

"He really mailed in the general campaign didn't he? Other than the surprise pick of Palin, the campaign was mostly moribund. You can tell from the debates that he was satisfied with the nomination. Now, unfortunately, the country is paying the price."

Local Man Can't Commit to Vacation Day

2010-06-17T14:19:00.002-04:00

A Sundersville man with self-ascribed "commitment issues," says he can't decide whether to ask off for July 6th.

"I don't know if I'll be in the mood for vacation then," he said to this reporter. "Plus what if the weather's bad?"

Social scientist Bob Griese says this is where commitment-phobic tendencies end up.

"They think there's never the perfect day for their vacation day. Sad."

One Slick Metaphor

2010-06-03T14:21:00.003-04:00

Polls show the BP oil spill is leading all contenders for the top metaphor of Obama's presidency.

"It's a gusher, like the President's budget," said one congressional aide.

"Like the spill, his promises are full of oil, in his case snake oil."

Calderon Front-Runner for 2010 Chtuzpah Award

2010-05-23T16:50:00.013-04:00

Mexican president Felipe Calderon is favored to win the 2010 Chutzpah Award (political division) for his brash performance at the United Nations last week.

Calderon chastised Arizona for a law attempting to prosecute illegal immigrants even while his own country enforces a strict policy against illegals.

"I urge the United States to adopt an open border policy so that Mexico can continue the political and economic corruption we've grown used to," said Calderon.

Mexico receives billions each year from money sent back home from illegals.

No One is this Cognitively Challenged

2010-05-23T10:31:00.004-04:00

Unintended Comedy

2010-05-21T09:43:00.001-04:00

"Now a days it has became a fashion for the west to irk muslims," one post read. "We never scolded jesus for ur misdeeds. That shows the difference of character."

Right, you didn't scold Jesus, you just killed those who followed his teachings ... or the teachings of any other religion ... or those muslims who did not strictly follow the Islamic teachings ... like those Muslims who draw a likeness of the Prophet Mohammad. -CE

TSA Erects Castration Policy after Penis Bomber

2010-05-01T22:06:00.002-04:00

In the wake of an attempted bombing of an American Airlines flight via an incendiary device placed in the penis of terrorist Muhammed Aligiri, TSA is now requiring a penilsectomy of all male passengers.

"After the shoe bomber made the TSA make everyone take off their shoes before flying, I figured they'd come up with something like this after last Friday," said Joe Jackson of Montgomery, Alabama.

Aligiri's attempt failed when urine reached the bomb just before detonation.

The New Beer-Serotonin Diet!

2010-04-27T19:31:00.002-04:00

For a limited time only John Santmeyer is offering autographed copies of his new book, "Beat Depression & Anxiety with Beer".

Step-by-step Santmeyer shows what the ancients have long known, that alcohol provides a serotonin uptake increase that far exceeds diets or exercise. Research shows that human beings have drank alcoholic beverages for over four thousand years and for at least three thousand nine-hundred and fifty of them as a way of easing life's difficulties.

So try today the cure that your father's father knew - try beer!

(Paid for by the Beer Marketing Council, all rights prohibited, including Prohibition.)

La Raza, Black Caucus Lack Diversity

2010-04-26T21:57:00.021-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C. -- On the heels of news that relatively few African-Americans attend tea party rallies comes even more shocking news - La Raza, a pro-open border organization, also lacks diversity in its membership.

"La Raza is overwhelmingly Hispanic," said a member of a local chapter. "There are scandalously few African-Americans or Asians or whites in the group. Thank God for misplaced white guilt or there'd be only Latinos."

Even more telling is how few whites are in the Congressional Black Caucus.

"Conferees are overwhelmingly black in skin tone, if that matters," said C-Span viewer Couch P. Tato.

Another media observer laughed when asked about the coverage.

"When La Raza has a rally of a hundred people it's never about racial make-up. When there's a few thousand at a tea party rally, for some reason it suddenly becomes germane. It's really quite funny."

Killer May Be Allergic to Death Penalty

2010-04-19T14:49:00.007-04:00

An Ohio judge ruled yesterday that killer Darryl Durr waited too long to come up with his "allergy defense".

Attorneys for Durr were concerned that the lethal cocktail intended for their client may prove to have side-effects such as itchy eyes and skin.

One of the taxpayer-funded attorneys for Durr said that Durr "does not want to have to sneeze during his last conscious moment, nor does he want to have watery eyes."

A prosecuting attorney promised that allergy medications will be administered to the corpse.

Shocking News: Rich Athlete Strays from Wife

2010-04-09T09:10:00.008-04:00

AUGUSTA, GA-- It's now been almost five months since the shocking news out of Florida concerning professional golfer Tiger Woods, a clean-shaven, trim young man who doesn't look like he would have serial extra-marital affairs.

Woods, 34, was widely portrayed as being faithful to his wife because he didn't look slovenly, had no visible tattoos and was not thought to have a drug or alcohol problem like fellow golfer John Daly.

"I'm just so shocked," said one naive fan of Woods. "Not since Steve Garvey or maybe John F. Kennedy has someone looked so faithful and turned out to be so unfaithful."

News coverage of the golf star has quadrupled since the revelation of infidelity and shows no signs of abating.

"In a perfect world," said one social scientist attempting to find a reason for the purient interest, "we'd be more interested in the athlete who stays faithful to his wife rather than the athlete who doesn't. What is it about us that makes vice more interesting than virtue?"

No Legislator Left Behind

2010-04-06T14:41:00.000-04:00

The Obama administration is beginning a new program to educate legislators who need remedial civics courses.

Surprising....

2010-04-01T14:59:00.003-04:00

2010-03-31T14:30:00.002-04:00

Via here.

MSM Discovers Inflammatory Rhetoric; Film at 11

2010-03-31T09:27:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK, NY-- Two years after George Bush left office, The New York Times and television news outfits have learned of the existence of heated rhetoric.

The internal guide book of the Times has been leaked to PiT , which includes controversial items such as:

"Hate" only exists on the political right.
Death threats only count if against Barack Obama or Democratic Congress members; Republicans deserve them.
Anything Sarah Palin says incites violence, at least in our editors and reporters.

"It's almost quaint, isn't it?" said the former staffer. "It's like a 3-year old discovering building blocks for the first time: 'Hey, look at this!' It's actually pretty funny."

A Bias Against Anti-Bias Programs

2010-03-31T09:15:00.008-04:00

A study released yesterday shows scant evidence that corporate diversity training works:

"Now a few social scientists are taking a hard look at these programs, and, so far, what they’re finding is that there’s little evidence that diversity training works."

Other recent studies have shown that obese people are heavier than average, that food is necessary to human survival, and that academic studies prove that academic studies exist.

Obama: "This is What Change Looks Like."

2010-03-29T20:35:00.011-04:00

Landmark Legislation Passed

2010-03-23T10:12:00.004-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C. -- The U.S. Bankruptcy Act passed yesterday, assuring that the U.S. will go bankrupt by the year 2017.

"We feel this is a great day in American history," said one senator. "We've decided to leave our children and grandchildren crippling debt! Hooray!"

Solution to Entitlement Crisis Proposed

2010-03-18T09:01:00.005-04:00

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Unsustainable entitlement programs like Medicare and Social Security take up an increasing portion of the U.S. budget, so President Obama and Democrat lawmakers this year have proposed a surprising solution: add another entitlement program.

"We feel that the best way to deal with spiraling Medicare costs is to provide health care for everybody," said an aide to one Democrat senator. "Economies of scale have worked out so well with Medicare that we should extend it to the entire populace. We're thinking of naming the new program Too Many Doctors since 40% of physicians say they would consider leaving the profession if the bill passes."

Obama the Lawyer Unconcerned with Rule of Law

2010-03-18T08:59:00.003-04:00

"I don't spend a lot of time worrying about what the procedural rules are in the House or Senate," Obama said.

I really only care about whether my agenda is advanced.

The Selective Crusade Against the Death Penalty

2010-03-09T16:45:00.021-05:00

[Inspired by this.]
"Ban the Death Penalty!" the billboards proclaim. Posted in dozens of locations in Atlanta's neighborhoods, they direct readers to a website condemning capital punishment.

But if they really wanted to save those on death row from death, the first problem they would focus on is electric chairs and lethal drugs. These are the instruments killing prisoners. Yet the sponsors of Ban the Death Penalty ads don't support control of the manufacture of electric chairs and lethal drugs. They oppose them and many even use illicit drugs themselves. In fact, finding drug lovers in the anti-death penalty movement is like finding pot at a hemp festival.

Two months ago, the Violence Policy Center issued an analysis of all death penalty cased based on the latest U.S. Justice Center data. In 100 percent of applied death penalties in which the fatal weapon can be identified, it's either an electric chair or a lethal drug cocktail.

If those who profess to care about capital punishment really did they would volunteer to take the place of the victim on "Ol' Sparky" and support the banning of lethal drugs and electric chairs.

Inspired by the Poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance

2010-03-08T10:03:00.001-05:00

These are the commonest political words:

"Waste, Fraud and Abuse."

When there's nothing to cut, you can always cut these:

Waste, Fraud and Abuse.

From the street pol to dogcatcher to the POTUS himself

If you want to be popular bring these off the shelf

Though ev'ry new program for the national health

brings more "Waste, Fraud and Abuse."

Rangel Takes Vacation from Ways & Means

2010-03-03T13:13:00.015-05:00

America's loveable tax cheat in charge of tax-writing, Rep. Charles S. Rangel, temporarily stepped down today from his chairmanship after multiple ethical investigations became too intense for the lifetime Congress member.

"Charlie thinks that 'Ways and Means' means where there's a way to gouge the taxpayer, he'll find the means to do it," said a fellow member of Congress.

The raffish chairman is the author of an autobiography called And I Haven't Had a Bad Day Since, referring in part to the many Caribbean trips at taxpayer expense the 40-year House veteran has taken.

Your Tiger Woods Update

2010-03-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

...had oatmeal for breakfast and cut his lawn yesterday. Stay tuned for more important info on the Tiger front.

Orwell 1984 Redux

2010-03-01T13:08:00.001-05:00

In George Orwell's 1984, citizens are accustomed to Doublethink (and blindly believe the three official Gov't slogans; WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, and IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

Now, Al Gore cites the recent cold weather gripping the United States as proof of Global Warming. COLD IS WARM.

This is much better than Vice Chairman's van Ypersele's claim that errors in IPCC reports '... increase the credibility of the IPCC ...' INCREDIBLE IS CREDIBLE.

For how many more years of emitting CO2 without Global Warming are we going to have to endure this nonsense? -CE

Health Care Summit Held, Endured

2010-02-25T12:06:00.013-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Republicans and Democrats gathered together today for an extensive photo op to prove to the American people that Republicans and Democrats could gather together and disagree.

"Never before has so much brainpower been in the same room since Pauly Shore dined alone," offered one bystander, who declined to be identified, "and that certainly includes the President, who seems intent on spending us into oblivion."

Bill Nye the Un-Science Guy

2010-02-25T12:05:00.002-05:00

He argues for Global Warming using data from the IPCC.

Meanwhile, the IPCC announces 'significant changes' to the way it operates in order to remove conflicts of interest and political motivation from reports and data it generates. These changes are in response to admissions of errors of easily verifiable factual data, subversion of the peer review process, and outright fabrications it has published in support of the AGW movement.

So Bill, what say you now? Still gonna hold up those IPCC charts to support your argument? -CE

Obama Wants Students Prepared for College, Careers

2010-02-22T09:36:00.003-05:00

President Obama said today:

"After my term, when the Republicans again have control of Congress and the White House, I want the country prepared for the economic rebound that will result. When the Republicans fix the mess we've made of the economy, I want our kids ready to go to college and get jobs in an economy where unemployment will be back in the single digits."

Public Loses Faith in Junk Science & Media Hype

2010-02-22T09:34:00.006-05:00

The world's best scientists created data to support the connection between CO2 and Global Warming. The media hyped Anthropogenic Global Warming with all their might. But the public at large is losing faith in these measures -- realizing that the earth is really not warming to catastrophic temperatures.
--CE

More Wrong 'Facts' Published by the IPCC

2010-02-14T12:35:00.003-05:00

The IPCC Climate report published in 2007 states that 55% of the Netherlands is below sea level, implying that 55% of the country is susceptible to flooding if sea levels rise due to Global Warming. In reality, only 26% of the Netherlands is below sea level.

The IPCC responded by saying that the error was widely quoted by other organizations as well, and repeated Vice Chairman Ypersele's Orwellian claim that errors the IPCC publishes "increase the credibility of the IPCC."

If Ignorance is Strength, the IPCC is a very strong organization. -CE

US Taxpayer Fantasy: DC Storms Save Taxpayers $$$

2010-02-14T12:31:00.001-05:00

Each day bureaucrats in Washington can't get to the office to spend taxpayer dollars, we defer federal spending by twenty-four hours, saving taxpayers $250,000,000 in interest payments. Other benefits include slowing legislation in Congress, and having fewer news stories about how Congress is spending our children's future on unsustainable entitlements.

As a result of gov't employees in DC being forced to take a day off -- per-capita productivity in the US rises by 1.1%.

Oh well, back to reality... -CE

CBS Anchor Sticks Crayon Up Nose

2010-02-11T12:53:00.017-05:00

NEW YORK, NY--The CBS Evening News made news of its own yesterday when anchor Katie Couric stuck a red crayon up her right nostril.

Couric's action came immediately after reading from a teleprompter a report criticizing Sarah Palin for referring to notes written on her hand. Palin, in a speech at a recent Tea Party Convention, had joked about President Obama's reliance on the teleprompter.

Couric said that she defends the use of the teleprompter over notes on the hand but then, as if to emphasize how silly the network news has gotten, stuck a Crayola up her nose.

The attention-getting act was almost immediately seen by network executives as a desperate bid to lift CBS from the ratings cellar.

Couric, a lifelong member of "Big Media", was not immediately available for comment.

iPhonitis Strikes Again

2010-02-11T12:32:00.010-05:00

KANSAS CITY, MO-- A local man who changed his name from Robert Montgomery to iBob Montgomery was treated and released from Missouri General Hospital today for "iPhonitis", a condition found among the most hardcore of the iPhone-addicted.

Montgomery, who received his iPhone last August and compulsively checks his phone every few seconds, was found on the ground semi-conscious muttering "there's an app for that." Paramedics tried to pry the iPhone from his right hand without success.

While in the hospital he asked that friends update his Facebook & Twitter accounts.

In recent days "iBob" had told a family member that his thumb had ballooned to three times its normal size.

"Never a good sign," said his brother iBill.

NYCAG Cuomo Adds Self to NYC Lawsuit

2010-02-08T14:18:00.012-05:00

Well, it appears Cuomo should since it reads like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde terror plot. First, Dr Jekyll (A. Cuomo) serves as secretary of HUD under Clinton. During his tenure, he "establishes new affordable housing goals requiring Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to buy $2.4 trillion in mortgages in the next ten years."

Fast forward ten years later, and those same policies broadened by Congress have resulted in a gigantic financial meltdown. Now Mr. Hyde (A. Cuomo) files a lawsuit against Bank of America and others for following the guidelines he continues to take credit for.

I wouldn't make a good juror for that trial -- I think Cuomo's guilty. -CE

Powerful New Ally in the Fight Against Warming

2010-01-29T09:26:00.003-05:00

Osama Bin Laden joins U.S. Democrats and much of the third world in blaming the United States of America for global warming. He's calling for a boycott of U.S. goods worldwide and, we assume, the usual 'death to America'. -CE

Mistakes Increase Their Credibility

2010-01-29T08:44:00.003-05:00

Self-parody alert! Actual quote from the vice chairman of the IPCC:

Jean-Pascal van Ypersele, vice chairman of the IPCC, was quoted in the European press as saying, "I would like to submit that this could increase the credibility of the IPCC, not decrease it. Aren't mistakes human? Even the IPCC is a human institution.

It's...

2010-01-27T08:47:00.005-05:00

Panderbama!

(You know they're in trouble when they start loving on the middle class.)

Obama Would Rather Be 'Really Good' than 'Mediocre'

2010-01-27T08:42:00.002-05:00

"I'd rather be a really good one-term president than a mediocre two-term president," Obama told ABC News Monday.

Well, he's already missed the boat on both of those ... but he's definitely cornered 'most fiscally irresponsible,' 'most partisan,' 'most criminals in cabinet' and 'most far-left nutball czars appointed.'

He has just a little tiny bit more work to do to earn 'dead bang worst president ever.' We're confident he will do it -- after all he's got another three years to work on it ... -CE

Fiction-Based Intelligence

2010-01-19T09:17:00.011-05:00

A Spanish lawmaker learned that the FBI used his photograph as part of a digitally enhanced image showing what Usama bin Laden might look like today.

Using sophisticated digital enhancement techniques, forensic artists at the FBI’s laboratory in Quantico, Virginia have age-progressed old photos of the 18 most wanted terrorist suspects:

-CE

Terrorist Unimpressed with Obama

2010-01-05T14:39:00.005-05:00

NEW YORK, NY -- Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab told his court-appointed psychiatrist today that the election of Barack Obama did not stop his hatred of America.

"He said the election of a president with brown skin, whose father was a Muslim and whose middle name is Hussein was unimpressive to him," said Dr. Mussenwich.

Mussenwich said that the would-be terrorist who strapped on explosive underwear in order to kill himself and scores of innocent Americans "was not swayed by Obama's commitment to close Gitmo in a year, nor did he seem to care that KSM will get a civilian trial in New York, nor did he appear fazed by President Obama's Cairo and U.N. speeches."

2010-01-04T09:15:00.002-05:00

Harvard Says Swine Flu Oversold

Passengers Punished Until Morale Improves

2009-12-29T09:18:00.005-05:00

WASHINGTON D.C.-- John B. Mindownbusiness was charged yesterday with reading a magazine during the last hour of a flight from Pittsburgh to Newark.

The latest air travel regulations forbid bathroom breaks or having anything on one's lap during the last hour of a flight, resulting in a new acronym for TSA: "Totally Stupid and Asinine".

Observers say that bureaucracies such as the TSA are not known for exercising common sense but that this marks a new low.

"If a terrorist was eating a banana on board, will they ban bananas in case the peel might be used to trip someone?" asked one peeved passenger.

Napolitano no Meryl Streep

2009-12-28T10:07:00.012-05:00

Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano received poor reviews yesterday for her star turn on ABC's This Week.

Napolitano, who according to the script was set up as foil for substitute host Jake Tapper, flubbed her lines and gestures when instead of squirming and gaining some viewer sympathy under the tough questioning of a rightfully dismayed Tapper, simply wore a "what, me worry?" grin.

"Napolitano was terrible, she was in CYA mode when a little humility was called for. I give the performance one-star and suggest she go back to acting school," said one television critic.

Another argued that her appearance might've been the textbook example of a politician saying nothing.

"I think we've got to be close to the tipping point as far as tolerance of a politician's decision to say nothing in an interview. I think we're getting close to where it will do more damage for someone to come on a show as Janet Napolitano did on ABC's This Week, versus the alternative of not going on at all. The script called for her to say that from now on if your father rats on you and your name is Abdulmutallab, then at least you're gonna get wanded. But when the curtain went up she forgot her lines."

EPA Declares Emissions a "Threat to Public Health"

2009-12-08T10:55:00.003-05:00

[Link] EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said in a written statement that the finding marks the start of a U.S. campaign to tackle greenhouse gas emissions. "These long-overdue findings cement 2009's place in history as the year when the United States Government began addressing the challenge of greenhouse-gas pollution and seizing the opportunity of clean-energy reform," she said.

The declaration also paves the way for the Federal Gov't to 'earn' extra money to help pay off the huge $13,000,000,000,000.00 (13 Trillion Dollar) Federal debt. The EPA has stated they are ready to impose a 'Breath Tax.' Since CO2 emissions are a threat to public health, the EPA will require each individual to pay a fee for each breath they exhale (inhalation will still be free).

The fee will "reward those who exhale less, and punish those that exhale excessively," said an EPA spokesperson.

The EPA expects the tax to be on the order of one cent per exhale "in order to make it affordable for most middle class families". The tax will increase over the next 10 years to a as-yet-to-be-determined upper tier, which will ensure the US is "leading the way to a cleaner, greener planet, although one with plastic plants, because real plants emit CO2 at night and when they decompose or burn."

The Balderdashatorium, an Economic Think-tank in Washington, estimates the new tax to cost the average family with 2.5 children and an average annual income of $50,000 just $438,000 per year. At that rate, the national debt will be paid off "in time for our grandchildren's retirement". Of course, larger families might have to cut back on breathing in order to be able to afford the tax. Tax credits for those who live below the poverty line are under consideration.

The O'ministration also talked of easing restrictions on lending to allow average families to borrow the $388,000 they'll need to satisfy the new CO2 tax. Wall Street responded today to stock offerings from new startup companies that will capitalize on devices that will reduce the amount of breathes per minute, or capture exhalations and hold them until they can be released in a country where exhales aren't taxed.

Experts also expect there will be mass migrations near the northern and southern US borders, where people will be able to inhale in the US, then cross the border to exhale and avoid the Breath Tax. Both Mexican and Canadian authorities are very concerned about the extra CO2 their countries expect to have to absorb, not to mention the halitosis associated with so many exhalations. -CE

O'ministration Regulates School Supplies

2009-12-08T10:49:00.003-05:00

[Link]: "A notebook sold to a student out of a supply machine at Mill Creek Elementary School bears a logo and slogan similar to those used in the Obama campaign last year. The supplier also distributed pencils with a similar theme."

Greg Jones, a sales representative with Pencil Wholesale, said the design was no accident.

"The Obama Administration knows what's best for Americans both and illegal aliens, and that includes what's best for their children, right down to their school supplies." -CE