WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Arguing that humans have a fundamental right to sexual relations, Democrats added a plank to this 2016 convention platform that reads, "All people above the age of 16 have a fundamental human right to sexual intercourse. Therefore we pledge that every American be guaranteed a partner and propose that a new Cabinent-level position be added to ensure this right."
In the wake of passing universal health care in 2010, the party seemed to have no new defining issue. After losing the Congress and Presidency in 2012 due to a depression that necessitated bank loans from China in order to bail out a bankrupt America, the Democrats floundered until finding a new issue with which to connect with the American people: sex.
"Sex sells, including politically," said one delegate at the convention.
John Stander of Wakefield, MA was less than thrilled.
"I've been on a waiting list for the last six months to see my doctor concerning my diabetes. How long am I going to have to wait to have sex? By the time they get around to helping me out I'll be in the grave. If universal sex coverage goes the way universal health coverage went, then we're all screwed!"