Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Dems Promise Universal Sex Coverage

WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Arguing that humans have a fundamental right to sexual relations, Democrats added a plank to this 2016 convention platform that reads, "All people above the age of 16 have a fundamental human right to sexual intercourse. Therefore we pledge that every American be guaranteed a partner and propose that a new Cabinent-level position be added to ensure this right."

In the wake of passing universal health care in 2010, the party seemed to have no new defining issue. After losing the Congress and Presidency in 2012 due to a depression that necessitated bank loans from China in order to bail out a bankrupt America, the Democrats floundered until finding a new issue with which to connect with the American people: sex.

"Sex sells, including politically," said one delegate at the convention.

John Stander of Wakefield, MA was less than thrilled.

"I've been on a waiting list for the last six months to see my doctor concerning my diabetes. How long am I going to have to wait to have sex? By the time they get around to helping me out I'll be in the grave. If universal sex coverage goes the way universal health coverage went, then we're all screwed!"


William Luse said...

The problem with a universal right to sex is that people who can't find willing partners will file sexual discrimination lawsuits, not on the basis of gender but on the ground that they have been stigmatized as essentially undesirable. I predict a flurry of such lawsuits lacking any intrinsic merit. I.e., those who have been indulging sex only to a moderate degree will file the suit in order to be able to indulge it to surfeit. A "right" to sex has to be enforced if discrimination is apparent. We'll need a professional cadre of male and female prostitutes to accomodate the victims. This will include husbands with recalcitrant wives and vice-versa, because a right to sex is not restricted by the marriage bond. The government will become the pimp to the people. I really don't see any end to the complications, and I'd like to volunteer to be the first victim.

TS said...

I predict a flurry of such lawsuits

Indeed that's a feature and not an error from the Democrat party perspective. (Call it the Attorney Job Creation Act.) I'd forgotten to mention in this post that trial lawyers strongly support universal sex care.