A National Review parody:

How Much Carbon Could a Carbon Permit Limit if a Carbon Permit Could Limit Carbon?

Answer: None, but its gonna cost the US consumer an estimated $100B to find that out. See this.

There's gonna be alot of people getting rich off of this nonsense -- how can I cash in?   -CE

Obama Makes Good On One Campaign Pledge

During his presidential campaign, President Obama committed to make his administration “the most open and transparent in history.” To that end, the Government Printing Office (GAO) posted on its website the location of all significant civilian nuclear stockpiles, including those with fuel for nuclear weapons. The 266 page document included maps and information on hundreds of US civilian nuclear sites.

The report mentioned Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee, known as the Fort Knox of highly enriched uranium, the leading fuel for nuclear weapons. Other significant non-military facilities listed in the report include Los Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico, Argonne National Laboratory in Illinois and a Westinghouse research facility in Pittsburgh along with maps detailing their location.
    

Former Director of Central Intelligence and Deputy Secretary of Defense John Deutch dismissed concerns by saying, "These screw-ups happen." While it might sound like the posting was an innocent mistake, given the sensitive information within the document and the fact that the document was marked as such, Mr. Deutch should probably watch who he labels a 'screw-up'.

The Times said the document was collated as part of a US drive to make its civilian nuclear program more transparent in the hope that other nations, particularly Iran, would follow suit. President Obama sent the document to Congress for review on May 5. After the Congressional review, the GAO then published the document online.

Not since Sandy Berger stuffed highly classified documents in his socks has such a breach of security been perpetrated. But with one difference. That's no 'screw-up,' Mr. Deutsch -- that's another campaign pledge honored.   -CE

Snope Dog E

If you're tired of the scams then Snope is the name
'Cuz I don't play those lame old email games
I get five a day and they tell me that it's real
but it turns out they're not and it makes me wanna squeal.

CHOR:'Cuz you know I'm the Snope dog
and I'm always callin' "Hoax!"
'cuz my homies don't stay real
and I gotta correct the folks.

Let me set it for you strait y'all
Cuz you make me want to holla
you won't type snopes.com
Gets me hot unner the colla'

CHORUS

'Lizbeth is the queen of the chain email
she hits the Forward button like she's gettin' out of jail
Won't go to snopes.com for love or money
so I holla's HOAX, oh it's just too funny...

CHORUS

"Don't dial 876!", "You gotta see this"
"Forward to your friends" and don't nobody miss
But the Snope Dawg's on the watch and I'm gonna holla Hoax
if you don't check your facts and get yer butt out to Snopes.

Herod to be Given Honorary Degree

TEL AVIV- Herod, who like Cher and Ludacris needs no last name, will be given a posthumous honorary degree at Moses University on May 17th. A distant descendant will give the commencement address in his stead.

The invitation has not been without controversy, primarily from Jews upset by Herod's policy of killing the innocents in order to secure his position. Supporters point to the fact that it's customary to honor the Roman leader in Israel and that Herod has done many fine things in addition to being Israel's first ruler of Edomite ancestry.

The president of the university, Rabbi Terra, issued this letter to the graduates yesterday:

I am saddened that many friends of MU have suggested that our honoring Herod indicates ambiguity in our position on matters of Jewish teaching. The University and I are unequivocally committed to the sanctity of human life, although not necessarily if it means the death of a promising political career, such as the man we will honor at our graduation ceremony.

All ought applaud Herod the Great's views and policies on temple building, expanding health care to the farflung territories east of the Jordan, alleviating poverty, and building peace through diplomacy while at the same time not withdrawing precipitously from Egyptistan and Turkraq.

UN WHO Still Hoping for Flu Pandemic

The World Health Organization is still trying to hype the latest flu outbreak as a pandemic, even though this strain of the flu has proven to be less of a health threat than the seasonal flu.

WHO spokesman Thomas Abominable said "We hope to be able to use the media outlets to scare enough people into thinking that this flu outbreak is a pandemic with serious consequences that people actually start to take us seriously. Both the WHO and the UN have been disregarded and derided repeatedly in recent years, and we're hoping to hype this made-up threat to World Health into something we can use to better our image."

WHO are they trying to dupe, anyway? -CE

Ballplayer Fails Drug Test; Blames Space Aliens

NEW YORK, NY -- Manny Ramierez was suspended for 50 games by Major League Baseball yesterday after failing a team drug test.

There was no immediate comment from the commissioner's office concerning the specific violation other than Ramierez tested positively for a banned substance.

"Recently I was driving in the New Mexican desert and from out of nowhere the sky opened up, " Ramirez said at a press conference in Los Angeles. "There was this large sphere that had orange and green lights on it, and it emitted a laser beam that stopped my car and one of the aliens popped out of the hovercraft and injected me with what I now assume was a banned substance."

Vatican 'hampered' new Hanks film (and Rightly So!)

Director Ron Howard has accused the Vatican of trying to hamper the filming of his new movie, Angels & Demons, starring Tom Hanks. Many of the movie's supporters suggest that certain members of the Catholic Faith were unhappy with "The Da Vinci Code" because that film suggests that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had children, creating a royal bloodline that Church officials kept secret for centuries.

I'd like to suggest that people in general are unhappy with the film because if you could watch the whole thing, it actually stole 149 minutes of your life that you'll never get back (174 minutes if you viewed the 'extended DVD version').

If the Vatican did hamper this new effort, I say well done Pope Benedict! I only wish someone had the sense not bankroll the first film "The DaVinci Code" ... The offerings at Columbia Pictures must be scarce indeed because they've backed Angels and Demons -- they even signed up Hanks, which is sad to see him waste his acting talent on such an empty plot and tired storyline.

"My only frustration as a film-maker is that we actually reached out a couple of times, to sort of offer opportunities for bishops and others just to see the film. And those opportunities have all been declined," Ron Howard said.

My only question is this: Why does Ron Howard and company want to punish Bishops with a viewing of these films? Only thing I can figure is he must not like them ...  -CE

Miss USA Pageant to be Outsourced to India

NEW YORK, NY -- Think national beauty pageants are one thing that can't be outsourced?

Think again.

The producer of the Miss USA pageant announced yesterday that next year's contest has been outsourced to India.

"It was a decision made by the higher-ups," he said. "As a cost-saving measure the pageant will be held in New Delhi where production costs are minimal. To preserve the environment and to save money on flights, contestants will be limited to residents living within a few hours of New Delhi, effectively limiting the field to young women of Indian extraction. Fortunately there are some very beautiful young Indian women."

Clinton says Cheney Not a "Reliable Source"

...."And I oughta know," said Clinton. "After all, my husband was proven 'not a reliable source' during sworn grand jury testimony."  (inspired by this)   -CE

NEWS: Living Increases Risk of Dying

Studies show that for anyone aged 5 and older in the US, continuing to live increases your risk of dying. - CE

McCain Campaign Mgr Blames Republicans

Phoenix, AZ--Steve Schmidt, John McCain's campaign manager, blamed the Republican party for his candidate's loss in the 2008 election.

"It wasn't the candidate. It certainly wasn't his campaign staffers or manager. It was the fact that the Republican party needs to change, primarily by giving up its core beliefs. The party needs to embrace health care reform, illegal immigration, abortion, the reduction of emissions to stop global warming, gay marriage, and stem cell research. It also needs to be okay with higher spending, and not as irresponsible with tax decreases. It needs to mirror, as exactly as possible, elite media opinion. In short, the Republican party needs to become the Democratic party!"

Another McCain staffer gave Schmidt high marks for his ability to cover his ass. "Impressive! Despite the party nominating the most centrist candidate available, Schmidt was able to still blame the party!"

N. Korea Weeps after UN Ambassador's Threat

Pyongyang, North Korea-- After hearing the comments from Obama appointee Susan Rice suggesting that North Korea must change in order to "join the community of nations," weeps and sighs spread over the land north of the DMZ.

"Oh we so wanted to join the community of nations!" cried one elderly man, who said that his one wish for his children is that they experience a North Korea in which the people in California think well of them. "I wake up every morning saddened to learn the ill opinion that the diplomats in Brussels have of us."

Another Obama administration staffer said last Friday that unless North Korea abolishes its nuclear program that the world will think of Kim Il-sung the way they think of George Bush.

"No, no, no! Not George Bush!" said one woman when told of the comparison. "We have to abolish our nuclear program...the next thing you know they'll be calling Dear Leader a neocon!"

Obama Bows to Human Rights Abuse?

See this:



Now read this. - CE

Ashley Resembled Hillary's Remark

Concerning the Mexican drug wars last week, Sec. of State Hillary Clnton partially blamed America for providing a huge market for illegal drugs.

Clinton might have been talking to a certain fellow cabinent member's daughter. Word has it that a photo of Ashley Biden using cocaine has surfaced and then quickly de-surfaced. A person in the State department told this PiT reporter that "perhaps the war against drugs can be renewed starting in the Executive Office Building."

Local Man Needs Stiff Drink Before 401k Viewing

LEXINGTON, KY-- Local resident Will Havetoworkforever received his 401k statement in the mail yesterday and had to take a couple drinks before opening it.

"I needed a bit of Dutch courage before seeing those numbers," he said by phone. "My nest egg is evaporating faster than the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz."

Limbaugh Knighted Leader by Opposition

In an unprecedented exercise of chutzpah, the Obama Administration aided by a water-carrying press corps knighted Rush Limbaugh as leader of the Republican party.

The title carries with it no duties, and has no meaning outside of its usefulness as a tool for anti-Republican propaganda.

Many outside the Administration find it ironic that the first non-tax cheat appointed by Obama would be a Republican appointed to an imaginary position using imaginary powers.

"Catholics for Anti-Catholic Policies" Formed

[Inspired by this.]
WASHINGTON D.C.-- A new lobby group with a suprisingly frank name is making its way around K street: "Catholics for Anti-Catholic Policies" or CACP.

A spokesperson at a press conference said yesterday that they intend to "promote policies inimical to Catholic Church teaching" while in the background the chant "keep your rosary off my hosiery" began, presumably referring to church teaching on sexual sin.

The group's mission statement, found on their website, says:

Catholics for Anti-Catholic Policies (CACP), with more than three thousand members and supporters, is already the largest Catholic anti-Catholic organization in the world.

CACP focuses its attention on areas of public policy that the Church has spoken definitively on, in order to correct it in love. Specifically, we are pro-abortion except in cases where the mother really, really wants the child and lives in a country without overpopulation problems. We are for embryonic stem cell research, as well as for marital rights being extended to homosexuals, trisexuals, unisexuals, polygamists, trigamists -- in other words, any group ending in "ist" or "ual". We are also for human cloning, especially the cloning of progressives. We assert that the church is wrong on euthanasia and ought speak out more forcefully for suppression of hate speech, i.e. conservative talk radio.

When asked how it was that they could call themselves Catholic, the spokesperson said that they intended to reform the Church from within, adding "who died and left the Pope in charge?"


From catholiccartoonblog.blogspot.com

You Just Can't Buy Much With a Billion Dollars Anymore ...

Nowadays, with the Obama Administration throwing around billions of taxpayer dollars like rice at a wedding, a billion dollars just doesn't seem like the stack of money it once represented. In fact, its hard to see what the US taxpayer has gotten for the thousand-million dollars they've thrown at the banking industry over the last 6 months.

Here's another case in point: Zimbabwe billion dollar bills are on sale on eBay for fire sale prices. Here's an auction that saw 80 billion Z$ sold for just $10.53, and that includes free shipping!

Zimbabwe New Economic Model for Venezuela

As Zimbabwe's impressive success with their nationalization program and the resultant economic boom continues unabated, Venezuelan President and Economic Mastermind Hugo Chavez has adopted the same formula for success in Venezuela. "It's true we do have massive oil reserves, and that works against our success," stated Chavez, "but we hope to overcome that handicap and repeat Zimbabwe's economic gains in short order."

"Every citizen of Zimbabwe is a billionaire!" says Chavez. They use money to light cigars, as toilet paper, and many have so much they just throw it away. What a paradise it must be! "This is the kind of paradise I want for all Venezuelans."

Since 2007, Chavez has taken swift and decisive action to nationalize all major companies in Venezuela. First it was Power, Telecom and Oil companies. Soon to follow were banks, steel, cement, and now with his latest action the Venezuelan Gov't has seized control of rice plants who refused "to produce rice at prices set by the government."

"Venezuela's inflation rate is the highest in Latin America," beamed Chavez in a televised address, "but we've got a ways to go before we get to the sky-high target Zimbabwe has set for us. If we all work together, we can make Venezuela a paradise just like Zimbabwe."  -CE

NASA Official Urges Civil Disobedience

NASA's 8 year, $273,000,000 greenhouse gas satellite crashed back to earth after failing to separate from its launch rocket and make orbit, but that hasn't crashed NASA's enthusiasm for promoting guesswork and conjecture as "science" about the cause of global warming.

Dr James E. Hansen, long-time head of the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York is speaking out about what he claims is the "main cause of global warming" -- coal. "The science is very clear on that ..." he states. He goes further to urge civil disobedience on March 2nd at the coal fired power plant in Washington D.C.

Even if we pretend for a minute that global warming is caused by the release of Carbon from burning fossil fuels, coal burning power plants only account for 37.2% of the United State's output of CO2. Considering the US isn't the only carbon emitter on the planet, his claim that coal burning power plants are the "main cause of global warming" sounds kinda ridiculous.

The truth is the debate about Global Warming is still ongoing -- with many scientists doubting Global Warming is man-made since there is no evidence that an increase in CO2 from 0.025% to 0.035% would have any effect on climate. In fact, there is hard evidence (rather than guesswork and conjecture) the earth has been cooling each year since 2001.

It might be appropriate that Jensen is employed to study space, because there appears to be some of it between his ears. When Jensen says the science is clear, he's not kidding -- the world has been cooling for the last 8 years. Most climatologists and scientists agree there is a correlation between Earth's average temperature and sunspot activity, and they cite that as the reason for the recent cooling trend on Earth.

If that's the case, then the climate on Earth is controlled solely by the Sun's output, which is really the only thing that makes sense anyway. What I can't figure out is how this guy's been head of Space Studies and he doesn't know the difference between facts and conjecture.    -CE

Recession Shortened in Age of Hurry

WASHINGTON D.C.-- Shorter attention spans and declining levels of patience with bad times have been credited for reports that the recession will be shorter than anticipated.

"Americans just don't have time for a long recession," said a Federal Reserve member. "Nor the patience for it. The Iraq War shows that people won't put up with anything trying for very long."

NASA Satellite Fails Due to Global Warming

PiT, Columbus OH-- A NASA satellite crashed back to Earth about three minutes after launch early Tuesday, officials said.

"We could not make orbit," NASA program manager John Brunschwyler said. Initial indications are the vehicle did not have enough power to overcome the effects of Global Warming. The $273 million dollar satellite fell back to earth and was lost in the ocean.

The satellite, called the Orbiting Carbon Observatory, would have collected "precise global measurements of carbon dioxide (CO2) in the Earth's atmosphere" to help better observe the changes in carbon dioxide and the effect that these changes may have on the Earth's climate.

So, for now, NASA will have to continue to use guess and guile to convince people that Global Warming is man-made, real, and a result of additional CO2 released by the burning of fossil fuels.   -CE

Unicorn Plan Inspires Needed Confidence

WASHINGTON D.C.-- Leaders of the House and Senate met today to iron out the shocking non-details of a new stimulus package that will cost the taxpayers absolutely nothing. Dubbed "the unicorn plan" by cynics, many economists say it is an improvement over previous Congressional plans.

"Our polling shows that merely talking about passing an $820b stimulus package is making Americans think the economy is worse than it is and thus will further it undermine consumer and credit confidence. Americans don't see spiraling further into debt as the solution. So we've decided on the '2009 Imaginary Stimulus Act'."

The new imaginary plan already has the votes of all one hundred senators and over 400 House votes. Liberal members see it as adding 300 million jobs via public works programs that will disproportionately favor women and minorites. Conservatives see it as an across-the-board 100% tax cut. Reports say the final vote could come as early as Thursday.

"The purpose of the stimulus is confidence, and so if the American people promise to be confident we won't have to spend a bazillion dollars of their money. I wouldn't call it blackmail exactly, but it does imply a threat: stop fretting or you'll make your country a banana republic."

Regrets, Bruce Has a Few

While Bruce Springsteen laments the signing of an exclusive 'Best Of' record deal with Walmart, his fans lament the re-release of songs that have all been released before on this very record.

Joe Public asks; "Why would we buy this CD? It's all old music that's been released previously, who wants that?"

Springsteen replied to his fans concerns with a quip: "I'm a very busy man. To expect me to release only new music on new CDs is very selfish of my fans, and I'm very disappointed in them." - CE

"Personal Reasons" Defined

From the Slang Guide to Political Meanings:

Personal reasons -- a phrase often used to explain the withdrawal from consideration for appointment or as a candidate in a campaign. Typically means "stuff I hadn't thought was going to come out". (That is, for those possessing a modicum of shame, unlike Timothy Geither.)

Example:

Usage: "I am withdrawing for personal reasons."
Meaning: "I am withdrawing because I embezzled funds, worked briefly as a Nigerian scammer, cheated on my taxes despite supporting tax hikes, and frequented prostitutes."

In the latest demonstration of the use of the phrase personal reasons, the NY Times seems to have failed to recognize the all-encompassing nature of the personal:

"Problems involving taxes and a household employee surfaced during the vetting of Caroline Kennedy and derailed her candidacy for the Senate, a person close to Gov. David A. Paterson said on Thursday, in an account at odds with Ms. Kennedy’s own description of her reasons for withdrawing."

We here at the Slang Guide are confused. How could the explanation of the person close to Gov. Paterson be considered "at odds" with Caroline Kennedy's? We hope the NY Times will understand the extremely personal nature of having tax and household employee problems.

Dogs Won't Bite Under Obama Administration

PARIS, FRANCE-- Former president George Bush was blamed for a recent dog bite perpetrated upon ex-French president Jacques Chirac by what was obviously a Republican dog.

Sumo, a French poodle, is being given anti-depression medication.

"Vee feel that all physical, moral, emotional, and intellectual evils can be ultimately placed at the feet of zee American neo-cons," said Chirac through a statesman. "Our beloved poodle was likely depressed about the success of the surge in Iraq, or reacting to global warming brought on by the failure of America to sign the Kyoto protocols."

Nancy Pelosi and Democratic Sleight of Hand

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tried that desperate democratic trick of misdirection in an interview on Fox News Sunday. When asked about whether she favored looking into unlawful actions of members of the Bush Administration after they left office, she responded she might be in favor of investigating them.

Never mind the fact that her son, Paul Pelosi, Jr. was employed by and received loans from Countrywide while Nancy Pelosi was a Congresswoman.

It turns out that many Democrats in Congress received 'VIP' loans from Countrywide while they were collectively supporting various legislation to encourage sub-prime mortgages.

Now that's something I'd like to see investigated! -CE

Car Czar Comes With Automatic Spray Washer!

Brought to you by the folks who brought you the response to the Hurricane Katrina! It's....

...."The Car Czar!"

For a mere $14 billion dollars, Uncle Sam will hire "dat crazy Car Czar", a government bureaucrat who knows nothing about the car industry but who promises to oversee it!

Now that the land is free of drugs and drug-dealers due to the wildly successfuly Drug Czar!, we can surely expect the same of the car industry soon.

So fasten your seatbelts folks, it's going to be a wild ride!

Gov't Offers Indebted Consumers More Debt

There are some things that you can't really parody, but I'll try: "Gov't Offers Jack Daniels to Recovering Alcoholics".

Dude Needs Food Stimulus Package

LANSING, MI-- Brad Stimson feels a cold coming on. He's sneezing frequently and muscles ache. A Lansing doctor has prescribed food - and lots of it.

"Brad needs a massive food stimulus package. He needs to be eating five to six times a day the next few days, with a lot of high-energy foods like Sugar Smacks cereal. This will increase his will to live and provide his body the necessary incentive to fight off an incipient cold," said Dr. Kellog.

Others say that lots of fruits and vegetables are key to fighting off colds, but Dr. Kellog suggests the human body knows what it needs.

"I often prescribe - literally write it out on a prescription pad - a Big Mac or a Quarter-Pounder with cheese with fries and a strawberry milkshake. Because these products give the body the will to fight the cold. If you just feed it fruits and veggies, your body will shut down in protest since those things just don't taste as good."

Iran's Ahmadinejad Concedes Election

Columbus, OH (PiT) -- Although elections in Iran aren't scheduled to take place until June 12th, 2009, the current President of Iran is already conceding the election, even without his opponents officially on the ballot.

"With oil prices at $140 a barrel, I bought all the popularity I needed," says Ahmadinejad addressing the Iranian people on Iran's state TV. "Now our Zionist Enemies and their Western Power have destroyed my political platform by reducing oil prices to under $50 per barrel."

With 70% of the Iranian Government's budget funded by Oil Exports, the 60% drop in the price of oil has severely curtailed Iranian Government income. This leaves little money for desperately needed infrastructure, and even less for the Iran's burgeoning defense budget or Ahmadinejad's popularity purchases.

"So, it is with a heavy heart that I concede defeat this next election cycle. May your next President serve you as well as I have."

While they look at a ballooning Gov't deficit in a nation rich with oil wealth, staring down the barrel of an Israeli Air Force ready to strike at their nuclear program, all Iranians are hoping the next President serves them much much better. - CE

MS('Misinformation')NBC

MSNBC News isn't known for its unbiased reporting these days, leaning so far left during the recent presidential campaign it's a wonder they didn't fall over. They even changed their slogan to 'The Power of Change' out of reverence for their favorite political party's recent President Elect.

Now, MSNBC issues an on-air retraction of a story because apparently their staff doesn't know how to 'Google.' An ironic shortcoming considering the 'MS' in MSNBC stands for the Microsoft part of the network partnership. It took the New York Times, a good old-fashioned print media newspaper, to report the fact that MSNBC sources cited in a negative attack news story aired about Alaska Gov. Palin was actually a fictitious person named Martin Eisenstadt, a 'senior fellow at the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy'. Both of which are figments of a filmmaker's imagination.

Here's a blog post dated June 27th, 2008 about the elaborate hoax, which should've clearly rung some bells at MSNBC -- it took me about 60 seconds to find it via Google. Here's another I found in 30 seconds via Microsoft Search posted July 8th.

The information about Eisenstadt and the hoax was there, at their fingertips. Their biased reporting blinded them to the news, which is what they allege to be reporting. In truth, there's more news on the bathroom wall than there is reported on MSNBC. Here's a more honest MSNBC slogan: "Every Anti-Republican Rumor Emailed Us Gets Air! (Retraction To Follow)".-CE

A McCain Tilt in PiT Campaign Coverage

COLUMBUS, OH-- Parody is Therapy's ombudsman, Edward Knotbiased, reports that this blog had a pro-McCain tilt in its 2008 election coverage.

"My analysis reveals a definite pro-McCain, anti-Obama slant. Over 80% of posts related to McCain were favorable towards him, while over 90% of Obama posts were of an unfavorable nature," reported Mr. Knotbiased, who will publish his full study tomorrow. He added that PiT is not alone since other media outlets are confessing bias on the other side.

As a PiT co-managing editor, I can say that we are shocked - shocked! - by Mr. Knotbiased's report. If only the report come out sooner, we could've provided more balanced blog reportage. We deeply don't regret that we told Mr. Knotbiased to make sure he didn't get his report done until after election day.

Another finding was that PiT was too focused on the horse-race aspect and failed to cover the issues with any depth.

Certainly there are a lot of things we wish we'd been able to do in covering this campaign, but we had to make choices about what we felt we were uniquely able to provide our audiences in Columbus and on the Web. We don't at all discount the importance of issues, but we had a larger purpose, to convey and explain our agenda during an election that WAPO's David Broder described as the most exciting he has ever covered, a narrative that unfolded until the very end. I think our staff rose to the occasion. Chris Matthews's surely did, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Soundbytes Now Soundsyllable

WASHINGTON D.C.-- Data from the 2008 presidential election has shown that increasingly short attention spans have led many voters to no longer tolerate long, sophisticated soundbytes like "It's the economy, stupid!", which was favored by the Clinton campaign in 1992.

This year's classic catch-phrase was "Yes We Can!" or, for those for whom that phrase was needlessly complex and wordy, simply "Change!".

Campaigning for the 2012 race has not yet started, but many are wondering how to shorten soundsyllables such that no words would be necessary.

Newsweek, Times to Close Obama Bureau

NEW YORK, NY-- The New York Times and Newsweek magazine have officially closed their Obama for President campaign bureaus. There was internal dissension in both organizations concerning the wisdom of that action.

"I thought we should continue our supportive coverage of President-elect Obama since our country needs a successful presidency and a liberal one, not that there's any difference between the two," said a staffer at Newsweek.

The Times has said that it will continue its liberal agenda even as its earnings and stock price continue to fall.

"Some things are more important than money," said the ombudsman of the Times. "Such as the right to an abortion and gay marriage."

Merge till you're Purged

NEW YORK, NY-- A former board member of Merrill Lynch said yesterday that companies have figured out a new way to survive in the global economy: merge with other companies until Uncle Sam declares you "too big to fail".

"Some on Wall Street are saying that if you can't compete, then fatten yourself till you're too big to be slaughtered. The feeling around town is that the Federal government is a craven softy easily bullied."

Steven Schlesinger argued that GM's desire to merge with somebody - anybody - was for that purpose.

"Instead of going down with the ship, many companies like GM are trying to bring others, including the U.S. government, down with them. It's another example of a culture devoid of shame."

A Modest Proposal - Editorial

While Bill Clinton was once called America's "first black president" - presumably for his saxophone-playing ability - we feel reasonably sure that title will be taken away and given to the biracial Barack Obama. Our only hope here at Parody is Therapy is that one fine day this nation will elect a full-blooded African-American transgender Hindu to the office of the presidency.

Since there is a natural tendency to vote based on race, religion, creed, gender, sexual preference, boxers/briefs rather than for the best person for the job, we propose the following:

Amend the Constitution so that for a period of six months we have a "President of the Week" so that every ethnic, religio-sexual group can take power and thus be able to feel proud of his or her* country. This will liberate Americans from the tyranny of having to vote for a candidate for superficial reasons.

* - or Michael Jackson's

Big Government posts record US quarter

By Amanda Shooterkiss, APO Business Writer
Big Government shatters own record for largest windfall profit from operations by a burgeoning bureaucracy.

WASHINGTON,D.C. (AP) -- The U.S. Government (ticker: GUV), the world's most bloated bureaucracy, reported income Thursday that shattered its own record for the biggest profit from operations by a burgeoning bureaucracy, earning $666 billion in the third quarter. A careful analysis of the factors contributing to Big Government's growth show 2003's tax cuts as the most definitive cause.



The Washington,D.C.-based company has reported unprecedented back-to-back quarters, the end of the most recent coinciding with a rapid plunge in economic benchmarks which does not bode well for the coming quarter. Not to worry says CEO and President-elect Obama who has promised to grow Big Government in good times and in bad.

"We've relied entirely too much on tax cuts to fuel these record Big Government receipts and that has left us open to major fluctuations. I intend to raise taxes which provides a finer level of control over..." - here it appeared that Obama started to say 'you' before catching himself and glancing at the teleprompter more closely - "...future tax receipts. I promise that I will make Big Government the biggest its ever been."

Also helping GUV's bottom line were record tax receipts from oil companies like Exxon. Exxon, alone, contributed nearly $11 billion dollars to Big Government in the most recent quarter - a monumental record. Bureaucrats in GUV have their eye on the remaining $14 billion in profits that Exxon selfishly distributes to its shareholders. "It's all your money," new CEO Obama tells shareholders left holding the government's bag...

Economists note that Big Government has increased its annual budget every year since 1965 - in good times and in bad. -from special guest poster Richard Beach

America's Long National Nightmare Set to End

WASHINGTON, D.C.-- America's long national nightmare, the presidential campaign, is set to end tomorrow night.

Voters wearied by robo-calls, push-polling and blitzkrieg ads will finally get a rest.

"I'm sure glad it's over," said one retiree. "I even got a call from Pat Boone! I hate to say this, but I thought he'd passed!"

The campaign, which lasted just over three years but only felt like twelve, will finally allow us to put away our rhetorical flourishes.

The mainstream media, which now prefers to be called the Obamastream Media^TM, is also relieved that poll numbers suggest all their efforts were not in vain.

Least Grateful Constituency Still Not Known

WASHINGTON D.C.-- Results are inconclusive so far in the contest to determine which constituencies of the major parties led the pack in ingratitude for the 2008 campaign cycle.

The pro-choice lobby is in the running after many NARAL members complained after Barack Obama said that determining when life began was "above his paygrade" when they would've preferred that he say that it "began at the moment the baby was viable, meaning it can draw a paycheck".

Others pointed to disgrunted pro-lifers who felt that John McCain's promise to nominate conservative judges and his tapping of pro-lifer Sarah Palin was inadequate given that he did not perform a hundred jumping-jacks for them as was requested at a town meeting. (McCain cited an 'old war injury' as the cause.)

Non-Resident Voter Claims Stadium as Home

COLUMBUS, OH-- University of Illinois student Jack Carovac listed the parking lot outside Ohio Stadium as his residence for voting purposes.

"I've never lived in Ohio but went to an OSU game once. When I heard they let you vote without proof of address I registered with 'Ohio Stadium parking lot' as my residence since I crashed there after a tailgate party. It's pretty cool of Ohio to let non-residents vote."

Obama Buys Time on Cartoon Networks

CHICAGO, IL-- Inspired by his ten-year old daughter's fears of his preempting her television shows, Barack Obama's campaign announced a change of strategy.

"Barack has decided to buy time on the Disney and Nickelodeon channels," said one Obama campaign operative, "because we feel these are appropriate venues in which to sell our fairy tale platform." -CE