Unicorn Plan Inspires Needed Confidence

WASHINGTON D.C.-- Leaders of the House and Senate met today to iron out the shocking non-details of a new stimulus package that will cost the taxpayers absolutely nothing. Dubbed "the unicorn plan" by cynics, many economists say it is an improvement over previous Congressional plans.

"Our polling shows that merely talking about passing an $820b stimulus package is making Americans think the economy is worse than it is and thus will further it undermine consumer and credit confidence. Americans don't see spiraling further into debt as the solution. So we've decided on the '2009 Imaginary Stimulus Act'."

The new imaginary plan already has the votes of all one hundred senators and over 400 House votes. Liberal members see it as adding 300 million jobs via public works programs that will disproportionately favor women and minorites. Conservatives see it as an across-the-board 100% tax cut. Reports say the final vote could come as early as Thursday.

"The purpose of the stimulus is confidence, and so if the American people promise to be confident we won't have to spend a bazillion dollars of their money. I wouldn't call it blackmail exactly, but it does imply a threat: stop fretting or you'll make your country a banana republic."