EPA Declares Emissions a "Threat to Public Health"

[Link] EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said in a written statement that the finding marks the start of a U.S. campaign to tackle greenhouse gas emissions. "These long-overdue findings cement 2009's place in history as the year when the United States Government began addressing the challenge of greenhouse-gas pollution and seizing the opportunity of clean-energy reform," she said.

The declaration also paves the way for the Federal Gov't to 'earn' extra money to help pay off the huge $13,000,000,000,000.00 (13 Trillion Dollar) Federal debt. The EPA has stated they are ready to impose a 'Breath Tax.' Since CO2 emissions are a threat to public health, the EPA will require each individual to pay a fee for each breath they exhale (inhalation will still be free).

The fee will "reward those who exhale less, and punish those that exhale excessively," said an EPA spokesperson.

The EPA expects the tax to be on the order of one cent per exhale "in order to make it affordable for most middle class families". The tax will increase over the next 10 years to a as-yet-to-be-determined upper tier, which will ensure the US is "leading the way to a cleaner, greener planet, although one with plastic plants, because real plants emit CO2 at night and when they decompose or burn."

The Balderdashatorium, an Economic Think-tank in Washington, estimates the new tax to cost the average family with 2.5 children and an average annual income of $50,000 just $438,000 per year. At that rate, the national debt will be paid off "in time for our grandchildren's retirement". Of course, larger families might have to cut back on breathing in order to be able to afford the tax. Tax credits for those who live below the poverty line are under consideration.

The O'ministration also talked of easing restrictions on lending to allow average families to borrow the $388,000 they'll need to satisfy the new CO2 tax. Wall Street responded today to stock offerings from new startup companies that will capitalize on devices that will reduce the amount of breathes per minute, or capture exhalations and hold them until they can be released in a country where exhales aren't taxed.

Experts also expect there will be mass migrations near the northern and southern US borders, where people will be able to inhale in the US, then cross the border to exhale and avoid the Breath Tax. Both Mexican and Canadian authorities are very concerned about the extra CO2 their countries expect to have to absorb, not to mention the halitosis associated with so many exhalations. -CE