Study Finds Munitions Used in Afghanistan Actually Improve Environment

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN--For most countries, the waste of a war contributes to environmental pollution -- spent ammunition, broken buildings, the scrap metal of destroyed vehicles and civilian infrastructure, and the assorted few radioactive munitions leave behind slightly radioactive debris.

In Afghanistan, a study has found that the country was so used up and barren before the war that environmental pollution left behind is actually enriching the soil and the country. Scrap iron can be recycled into new items. Bombs cultivate the soil and reveal rich earth under the parched burnt topsoil.   -CE

Bush-Obama War Doctrine Outlined

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Bush-Obama war doctrine was announced yesterday in a short ceremony at the Rose Garden.

Former President Bush joined President Obama to announce that "the Bush-Obama doctrine is to fight only unwinnable, endless wars in countries that do not involve the national interest."

Foreign policy analysts were pleased with the accuracy of statement and added that "wars fought while the country is mired in smothering debt are even better."   -TS

Weiner Poor Scandal Player

NEW YORK, NY--Experts say that Anthony Weiner, the embattled congressman who sexted a college-aged girl, has played "Scandalopoly" poorly.

"It's the textbook way to fail at Scandalopoly: Congressmen makes a mistake, immediately denies mistake, promises full investigation, gets caught when others say he did the same to them too, takes 'full responsibility', says he'll attend the proverbial professional treatment program," said one of the inventors of the board game "Scandalopoly", which tests the players' ability to get ahead of a scandal.

"I'm disappointed in how piss-poor Weiner's play was," he added.