Friday, March 9, 2007

News....Nov. 2004-Mar. 2005

Summers Under Fire for Factual Comment

CAMBRIDGE, MA--The Faculty of Arts and Sciences at Harvard approved a resolution on Tuesday expressing a lack of confidence in the leadership of the university's president, Lawrence H. Summers.

Summers created a firestorm of controversy last month with an off-the-cuff remark suggesting that "women are better at child-bearing than men." Though Summers and others have said that there is nothing controversial in his statement since only women can become pregnant, many Harvard women's groups took offense.

Prof. Sandra Lackhumor said she felt sick after hearing it, reporting symptoms ironically similar to morning sickness.

"It's completely unacceptable that the president of an elite university utter biological facts like that. It's disgraceful. His suggestion that women are better at child-bearing than men is cruel stereotyping. I ask that he refrain from pointing out a biological differences, especially those disadvantageous to women."

The censure passed by a 215-186 faculty vote, breaking mostly along gender lines which one wag said proved Summers's point.

posted Wednesday, 16 March 2005

China Declines North Korea's Offer

BEIJING Mar 14, 2005. Today North Korean General Secretary Kim Jong Il contacted China National Peoples' Congress leader Premier Wen Jiabao to offer his country for sale to the People's Republic of China. The North Korean leader offered his entire country to China for USD $1. Chinese leaders wasted little time in turning down the offer.

Kim Jong Il reasoned that China should accept North Korea as a territory instead of Taiwan, which Chinese Officials have consistently claimed as a territory since the two countries parted ways in 1949. China has repeated threatened to 're-unify' Taiwan, with military force is necessary.

Land continuity, willing labor resources, an entire country full of brain washed 'US haters', and the low sale price of USD $1 were all pros cited by the North Korean leader.

"Why use military force to acquire a puny, insignificant island state like Taiwan," the North Korea leader reasoned, "When you have a world power like North Korea for next to nothing?" ... "Taiwan has nothing to offer China, North Korea has it all." Kim Jong Il continued as he presented his offer to Chinese officials. "It would be foolish to waste money and lives to control Taiwan."

Chinese officials were quick to turn down Kim Jung Il's offer.

Although they used such terms as 'interesting', 'thought provoking', and 'insightful', they left no doubt that they were not about to accept North Korea as a Chinese territory. Off the record, Chinese officials, who asked to remain anonymous, called the offer 'as crazy as Feng Shui', and cited North Korea's huge liabilities including lack of natural resources, lack of infrastructure, and 'completely bass-ackwards society'. "We don't want a broken down country as a territory -- to suggest it as a substitute for the cash bonanza awaiting us in Taiwan ..."

Chinese President Hu Jintao could not be reached for comment. One of Hu's aides stated he was 'drawing up plans for China's newest Hong Kong'.


posted Monday, 14 March 2005

Schwarzenegger Wants To Raise Beatty's Taxes

[Based on this]

Warren Beatty, an actor who has dabbled in politics across four decades, has some words of advice for fellow film star and now Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Raise my taxes!"

So late Monday the Governor introduced House Bill 121 (known colloquially as the "Warren Beatty Is An Ass Bill"), which proposes to raise Beatty's taxes to just over 90% of his household yearly earnings. Beatty and his wife make an estimated $40 million a year, which means his take home pay would still be about $4 million a year.

"As you know, I'm not a fan of raising taxes but Beatty's generous suggestion will increase revenues by over $20 million a year and fund many of the health care expenses of the illegal aliens he and other Hollywood actors employ to landscape their houses and nurse their children," said the grinning Governor.

posted Sunday, 13 March 2005

CBS Refuses CBS's Document Request

CBS News today learned that CBS News has issued a gag order on how the producer of the CBS Evening News acquired faked memos concerning President Bush's National Guard service.

"CBS is stonewalling and won't give us access to any documents related to the story," complained a representative of CBS.

The mid-level staffer suggested that 60 Minutes hire Rather to surpise himself with cameras outside his Manhattan apartment.

"We do it to white supremacists in Georgia and unlicensed doctors in Kansas, so why shouldn't Dan camp outside his high rise and confront himself?"

posted Thursday, 10 March 2005

Democrats are short-sighted on Energy Policy

Editor's Note: Co-blogger Chris E. discusses energy policy, or the lackthereof, in the Democratic Party. As you can see, his posts will be more substantive than mine:

Once again (almost an annual event) certain democrats in congress are advocating the sale of some of the US' Strategic Petroleum Reserve in order to curb climbing gas prices. Once again, the Dems are looking at treating a symptom, rather than treating the disease. Curious how the annual timing is set for fall elections ...

The disease, you Democratic dumba**es, is world hunger for crude oil. The only cure is to reduce consumption of crude oil products. Playing with the SPR -- even doubling domestic production of crude -- isn't going to help. China's thirst for crude will keep crude prices high, and force them higher in the future. The days of $1.50 gasoline are long behind us, and $2 gas is soon to be a memory.

The US SPR currently houses about 550 million barrels of crude oil. This is stockpiled at taxpayer's expense to aid in supporting any US Military operations during worldwide interruptions in crude oil production or transport. This oil is not for casual consumption.

This SPR exercise has been done before -- Clinton did it with no good reason during his administration -- release about 1 million barrels of crude daily for a month or so, and the worldwide price of crude will depress slightly. That's beneficial for everyone. When the release of the US SPR stocks is stopped, oil prices rebound.

The result? For a month or so, the American taxpayer has generously bought everyone worldwide a slight discount on their gasoline and diesel fuel.

Messing with the US SPR is just not an answer. Sort of like treating your migraine by smashing fingers with a hammer -- eventually you run out of fingers. There's no net benefit in this exercise -- in fact you're harming US interests and the US taxpayer by forcing them to fund such nonsense.

The only cure for this disease is to decrease our domestic crude oil consumption. What a revelation, huh? But, what to do? Here's three easy, common sense steps I'd like to see Congress start with ...

1) Let's start with some sensible CAFE (Corporate Average Fuel Economy) regulations, regulations which would curb the senseless use of 8 mpg behemoths to ferry the kids back and forth to school, soccer and the grocery store. Even though many will be publicly berating Congress, when gas reaches $3 a gallon, they'll be secretly grateful that the government thoughtfully guided their latest new-car decision. Not only will this help our economy, but it'll also reduce inner city pollution and 'greenhouse gas emissions' (of questionable benefit, but noteworthy nonetheless).

2) Next, create a standard national gasoline formulation to eliminate the myriad 'designer gasoline' blends, smoothing refinery and supply logistics, and decreasing cost to end-users. We should also encourage the building of new refineries through the relaxation of over-regulation imposed on new refinery facilities. New refineries should prove safer, more efficient and less costly to maintain, further reducing prices to end-users. Publicly, some residents may object, but privately every will enjoy slightly lower prices at the pumps.

3) Third, continue encouragement and use of alternative fuels. This includes developing new nuclear facilities for low-cost, environmentally clean supplies of electric power -- Nuclear Electric Power is an excellent alternative to fossil fuels. Publicly people might offer a token objection, but privately they'll be thankful every time their air conditioner cycles on. There's really no reason for Democrats or Republicans to be sitting on their hands vacillating. Why not do something meaningful? After all, isn't that what you're getting paid for?

posted Thursday, 10 March 2005

Bush Speaks Texan at Chirac Dinner


CRAWFORD, Tx--President Bush today snubbed French president Jacques Chirac by speaking Texan at a White House dinner.

Discussing the French diplomatic corps, Bush frankly opined they were "greasy as fried lard" and "as full of wind as a corn-eating horse". When Chirac took off his dinner jacket Bush allowed that it was "hotter than a fur coat in Marfa" and asked a White House employee to turn down the thermostat.

After Chirac lectured the President about the U.N., Bush whispered to an aide: "he's got more airs than an Episcopalian". The aide replied, "his butt looks like two hams in a tow sack. There's more wind blowin' here than perfume through a prom."

posted Monday, 7 March 2005

Dean calls Republicans 'Evil' & His Supporters Object

TAMPA,Fl--Howard Dean said today that the Democratic party is engaged in a "struggle of good and evil - and we're the good."

The crowd applauded, with the exception of a small group of satan worshippers. Holding signs that said "Satanists for Dean", many were upset by Dean's disparagement of evil.

"I wish he wouldn't have gone there," said a young man wearing a 'Charles Manson for President' t-shirt. "I was with him when he said this was a struggle between good and evil, but not when he said we were on the side of good."

A young woman who asked not to be identified said that although she cringed when she heard it, she tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"When Howard left his denomination for the sake of a bike path that was certainly a good thing. Same with his views on abortion. So I guess it depends on the definition of good, though I'm not sure I like that he's trying to give evil a bad name."

posted Monday, 7 March 2005

Blogger Refuses Food, Drink

BOSTON, MA-- Intervention efforts continue in the sad case former presidential candidate turned Pajamadeen.

John Kerry, Democrat senator from Massachusettes, has turned to blogging as post-election solace and has by some accounts become addicted. He has lost over thirty pounds during the past two months, which he calls his "blogfest".

Writing under a pseudonym, Kerry's blog is a blend of anger towards Karl Rove, George W. Bush and the American public. He has emailed several bloggers asking them to link his blog in return for linking theirs. One blogger was surprised.

"I sure didn't realize it was John Kerry. He sounded like any other disgrunted progressive. You look at the timestamp on some of his posts and it's 2am, 3am. The guy never sleeps. I didn't know you could be a Senator while blogging all night."

Berry has missed several recent votes, perhaps due to his blogging activities. A Kerry spokesman, reached by Blackberry, admitted the Senator enjoys blogging.

posted Monday, 7 March 2005

Recappin' the State o' the Union

On Dick Cheney: I was greatly distracted when he clapped. His long fingers makes him look disturbingly like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons.

On Soc Security: Run by me exactly how his proposal is controversial again? I mean other than the legit concern about the cost to implement, this seems a no-brainer. The whole intention of social security was to force us to set aside some money, earn .001% a year on it, and then get it back at age 62. Bush simply wants to force us to set aside some money, earn 5-8% on it, and withdraw it at 62. A horrible idea indeed. I think GW should've said something like, "Let's examine the story of our friend Mr. Payroll Tax. PT began life as a cute, cuddly, 1-percent baby boy. He's grown, with employer match, to fifteen percent and guess what folks? He's huuunnnngry!". Of course, Roosevelt was cagey enough to have people begin collecting benefits just after the mortality tables said they were dead. To truly implement Roosevelt's vision, we'd have to change the age at which we can start collecting to 77. Which I suspect would be controversial. (This is audience participatory; you say here: "you think?").

Ascending Rhetoric: I'm not a fan of W's Wilsonian streak. It's not far from the foolishness of the statement "the war to end all wars" to this stuff about ending tyranny everywhere, all the time. If I can't end my own petty tyrannies, how's he gonna do it?

Moving: Like most everyone, I fought off tears when the mother of a slain soldier hugged an Iraqi voter.

Hilary: Appeared to have stayed awake. This is biggest sign yet that she is running in '08. She's never stayed awake for a Bush SOTU before, so Republicans grab your ankles. Short of a major faux paus, she'll be hearing Hail to the Chief in four, in part due to the Republicans having no one to run and in part because she's one helluva politician.

The Kiss: You might've missed this, but after the speech, the President heady in the way football players are after scoring a touchdown, cradled Sen. Lieberman's face and planted a wet one. Certainly Lieberman's been a good friend to the President on the war but I'm not sure the affectionate display does much for Lieberman's Ben & Jerry-soused Vermont voters.

posted Sunday, 6 February 2005

Rice Returns for Second Day of Hazing

WASHINGTON - Condoleezza Rice returned to Capitol Hill on Wednesday for a second day of hazing by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, while a vote by the panel is planned later in the day on her nomination to become secretary of state.

Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) asked Rice to "drop and give me 50" after receiving an answer that disappointed her. Additional hazing rituals included sleep deprivation, listening to Sen. Kennedy lecture, getting Lugar coffee and swearing that each senator's priorities were ones she shared.

Rice was also forced to memorize the names and hometowns of all the committee members before swapping spit in a secret handshake.

posted Wednesday, 19 January 2005

No Political Bias Found at CBS...

...according to the Thornburgh report.

In the fine print, there were a few other findings. Here they are:
- no finding that the AFLAC duck is annoying
- no proof that Elvis is dead
- no proof that the moon landings weren't staged in a television studio
- no finding that Jennifer Aniston is attractive
- no finding that the Pope is, in fact, Catholic
- no finding that air is useful to humans

It's inconceivable, if not provable, that CBS would've treated an anti-Kerry story (like the Swiftboat Vets) in the same manner. If there's no smoking gun at CBS, there's enough smoke to produce inhalation injuries.

posted Tuesday, 11 January 2005

Our Avuncular National Uncle Has Stepped Down

I've always liked Dan Rather more than Jennings or Brokaw, despite his ridiculous bias. Dan made life more interesting, didn't he? From stomping off the set when a tennis match ran long to his colorful horny toad lingo, the guy just couldn't stop being interesting.

My regret is not watching him during the last election returns. I gravitated towards MSNBC & Fox. My loss. The minute I did turn on CBS on Nov. 2 he was interviewing one of the Kerry daughters, avuncular as always, but I lost the will to keep watching. His elevated (flawed) exit-poll driven mood was too much in contrast with my own.

Dan was always supremely capable of surprise, and the appeal that has for me is surely a character flaw. I know I should like the steady, consistent, bass-throated Brokaw who gave voice to the Greatest Generation. They're all liberals but Rather had the grace not to bother to hide it. That might be giving him too much credit and in the end I might be blinded by cornballisms like "This situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache." To Dan I can only say:


posted Tuesday, 23 November 2004

Top Ten Signs You Are Too Into Politics

10) Mentally add ".org" when you hear someone say "move on"
9) Begin meetings at work with, "This is Tom, and I've approved this message".
8) Wake up in cold sweat after dream of "President Michael Moore"
7) More concerned with polarization in the country than polarization between family members
6) Know what RINO & CINO mean
5) You know Chris Matthew's wife's name (Kathy)
4) You wonder if she's deaf.
3) You have carpal-tunnel from constantly refreshing the Corner's page
2) Favorite sport is detecting signs of media bias in Katie Couric

...(drumroll)... 1) You rally the troops with a "Dean scream" at local school board meeting

posted Tuesday, 16 November 2004

Least Likely Bumper Stickers

  • "My other car is on blocks"

  • "My child makes average marks at Taylor High School, but he's taking Honor Level courses so the competition is tougher"

  • "My second cousin, twice-removed once played minor league ball for the Scranton Braves"

  • "My sister is a Green Beret"

  • "My Golden Retriever is neither golden nor retrieves"

  • "Bush or Kerry? They're both so good!"

    posted Monday, 1 November 2004
  • No comments: