Friday, March 9, 2007

News...Apr 2005-March 2007

Anti-Snoring Ordinance Begins Soon

COLUMBUS, OH--The Ohio anti-snoring ordinance is to take effect next Tuesday. Proponents of the ban say that second-hand snoring noise causes wakefulness and insomnia.

Snorers will now be forced to huddle outside their homes and workplaces in order to catch their zzzz's.

As late as 1992, snoring was widely permitted in all homes and most workplaces.

Last Updated: Wednesday, 7 March 2007 5:33 P GMT

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

My Campaign Ad Just Released...

Hello, my name is Barack O'Rama and I'm asking for your vote in the 2008 Presidential campaign.

In a multi-ethnic, multi-cultural society, we need a multi-ethnic, multi-cultural candidate and I am that person. I was born of middle-class parents of mixed ethnic heritage. My mother is Irish-German and my father German-Irish. My candidacy will bring together those disparate strains in American life, such as those who arrive to work on time (the Germans) and those who don't (the Irish), the perennially oppressed (the Irish) and the perennial oppressors (the Germans).

I was recently asked by Steven Kroft of 60 Minutes whether I was "Irish enough". Well, as I said on his show, I'm never asked that question when I'm belly up to the bar drinking Jameson whiskey by the pint! Nor am I asked that after being arrested for "driving while Irish", that is, after a few too many drinks.

I was in a pub in Texas the other day and I was challenged by a man named Gus who said, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give you $500 if you can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room was quiet, like before a shoot-out in a Western. I said that I would do it for his vote rather than the $500 but that I had something to do first.. Thirty minutes later I was back.

The bartender lines up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately I tore into all ten of the pint glasses drinking them back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheered.

Gus promised me his vote but says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

I said, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

At the risk of immodesty, that's the sort of leadership we need in this country. I won't liberate one country without first liberating another country to find out if I can successfully liberate the first country!

So vote for me, Barack O'Rama. I may not have the experience of other Washington politicians, but I have the experience that matters.

Last Updated: Friday, 23 February 2007 11:47 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback (3-0)

Cabbie Claims Right to Violence
[Based on this]

NASHVILLE, TN--A Muslim cab driver in Nashville TN claims he's been discriminated against for his religious beliefs.

Ibrahim Ahmed says two college students which were riding in his cab were disrespectful to the Muslim Religion, a religion which requires its followers violently oppose anyone who shows the religion or the prophet Muhammad disrespect. The two gentlemen argued with Ahmed about the violence preached to those who practice the Muslim Faith.

"I will not allow you to disrespect my religious beliefs!" witnesses heard the cab driver shout as he took a swing at his two fares while they paid for their cab ride. Witnesses then claim they heard him scream "Muslims are not violent!" out his United Cab window as he then tried to run them over while they fled. His cab went across a parking lot, over a curb, and struck both men. One is in the hospital with critical injuries.

Ibrahim Ahmed claims the City of Nashville is denying him his right to practice the Muslim Religion when they arrested him and charged him with assault and attempted homicide. "I have a right to practice religion, don't I?" Ahmed asks, "and if that religion calls for violence against all other peoples, where does that leave me?" --CE

Last Updated: Wednesday, 21 February 2007 6:21 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Sunday, 18 February 2007

Bush to Host Concerts Raising Awareness of Terror

WASHINGTON D.C.-- President Bush announced today a series of rock concerts intended to promote awareness of the war on terror and specifically the danger of Iran possessing a nuclear weapon:

"I learned from Al Gore, my worthy opponent in the 2000 campaign, to publicize important threats with rock concerts involving such icons as 'The Who', Bruce Springsteen and John Melancholycamp. These concerts will serve two purposes. One, they'll raise awareness among those who are comatose, dead or under the age of sixteen. Two, they'll give aging rock stars a sense of purpose although I regret to add that it won't give them the popularity and ego-boost that leftwing causes do.

"I like what Al Gore is doing. If he can raise awareness of global warming, then I felt that I should do the same with the global war on terror. (Note to my southern friends: I do not mean a war on Tara, the fictional plantation in 'Gone With the Wind'.)"

"The biggest problem so far is fitting 'Mahmoud Ahmadinejad' on bumper stickers and advertising signage, but we've got folks working on that 24/7."

Last Updated: Sunday, 18 February 2007 2:01 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Friday, 16 February 2007

Che Chic...

Last Updated: Sunday, 18 February 2007 1:03 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Nigerian Scammer Struggles with Western Perceptions

LAGOS, NIGERIA--Muslim Nigerian scammer Abu Salaam targets Westerners with email scams but relies on the trust of the recipient - a trust that is increasingly hard to come by.

"I've lately been struggling to get takers," he said from a crowded office building in downtown Lagos, "and I think it's both because of the name I've chosen to send scams under as well as the country. Both Nigeria and Islam have fallen on hard times in the eyes of the world community. It's gotten so bad I'm only one step ahead of the name 'George Bush'."

Abu said that he knows his overtly Muslim name turns off many Westerners who are tired of suicide bombers and their millions of enablers. He also recognizes the downside of Nigeria as the place name.

"I've switched to 'Ivory Coast' or 'Senegal' in some of my fraudulent emails, and it seems to have helped. I'm not ready to go to a different name yet, although I might try 'Jefforey Smithe' next."

Last Updated: Monday, 12 February 2007 3:12 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Bashing Murder not Muslims

Line from this: "She is just one more Muslim-basher on the lecture circuit."

No, she's just one more Muslim speaking out against Muslim Terrorists on the Murder Circuit. - CE

Last Updated: Monday, 12 February 2007 2:13 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Monday, 22 January 2007

Advertising Jihad

Tired of religions preaching Peace and Love?

Been through the Buddhist pansy phase and Western Christian fornicator phase?

Tired of denying your naturally aggressive impulses but wanting to use them to make the world a better place?

Looking for religious sanction for murder?

Want women to idolize you while you treat them like dirt?

If you answered 'yes' to any of the preceding questions, then maybe our religion is for you!

With us you won't be faulted for wanting to kill people. In fact, we have many opportunities awaiting you! There are no shortage of infidels, and by killing them you will make the world a better place.

So remember - if you're a good person at heart but other religions tell you hate is wrong, then become a Wahhabist today where your hatred and impulse to kill will be welcomed and affirmed!

Last Updated: Wednesday, 24 January 2007 1:38 A GMT :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Bush apologizes

In response to Robert Redford's call for an apology, President Bush offered one.

'I apologize for the successes in Afghanistan, helping to remove the Taliban from power and helping the country establish Democratic Elections. The liberation of an entire nation from excessive oppression of a Radical Muslim Autocracy.

I apologize for the United States being the largest contributor to the fight against AIDS worldwide.

... for providing Prescription Drug Coverage for Medicare Recipients

... for the US response to the Indian Ocean Tsunami of 2004

... for Libya's pledge to give up their Weapons of Mass Destruction program under the guise of UN inspectors.

... for the prevention of any major terrorist attack on U.S. soil after September 2001

... for the Corporate Oversight legislation designed to curb the massive accounting fraud committed during the previous administration

... for convincing Pakistan to stop overtly supporting the Taliban and assist with the capture of Taliban elements

... for bringing an end to Iraqi cash sponsorship of terror in the Middle East

... for uncovering United Nation's wrongdoing in the UN Oil for Food program'

- CE

Last Updated: Wednesday, 31 January 2007 8:13 A GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Friday, 5 January 2007

Draft for Members of Congress

WASHINGTON D.C.--Congressman Legnar has a new draft proposal: Drafting Congressman.

Legnar believes the stupid, moronic and cognitively challenged are unfairly represented in Congress, and that prevents the legislative branch of the federal gov't from functioning for months at a time.

'If smart people were just as likely to get into Congress as the dumb, the stupid and the idiotic, Congress could function more like our founding fathers envisioned, and less like a pre-school daycare.' Legnar is adamant about proposing draft legislation for Congressional seats in 2007.

'Voting proves to be a bad way to decide who sits in Congress. When you've got the public, who are in general not all that smart, electing people who can't think of anything except the next big front page publicity stunt, that makes for a pretty dysfunctional Congress.' --CE

Last Updated: Monday, 22 January 2007 8:38 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Thursday, 16 November 2006

New Speaker of House Lacks Penis

WASHINGTON D.C.--The nation's capital is abuzz over confirmation that Nancy Pelosi is the first Speaker of the House to lack a penis.

Large photographs of a fully-clothed Nancy Pelosi have appeared in the major dailies and observers have concluded: "Yes, that is a woman!"

The representative from San Francisco is not only the first Speaker to have ovaries but also the first Italian born under the astrological sign of Aries to hold the office.

Reporters for USA Today asked the Congresswoman how it feels to be the first Italian-Aries-Ovary-Owning Speaker of the House. Ms. Pelosi answered that "it feels wonderful," adding that lacking a penis and being an Italian Aries will help her better perform her duties as Speaker.

Last Updated: Thursday, 16 November 2006 6:23 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Tuesday, 7 November 2006

Voting Diseases

ATLANTA, GA--The Center for Disease Control reported today scattered outbreaks of a condition called "Gonorrhea Lectim", pronounced "gonna re-elect him." The disease allows reincumbents to continue in office. But the CDC has since discovered a much worse strain called 'Gonograb Myanklesosis'. 'Gonograb Myanklesosis' is found wherever recumbents are rejected without a close look at who might replace them. - CE & TS

Last Updated: Tuesday, 7 November 2006 9:01 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Sunday, 5 November 2006

Democrats Pledge to Give MSM Back Their Joy

New York, NY--Democrats from Arizona to Maine pledged Friday to "give the American media back their joy" on Election Day.

One Democrat candidate said, "you know what we say around the house? If momma ain't happy, then the family ain't happy. Well, you know if the media ain't happy then America ain't happy. Vote for us and see Chris Matthews smile again."

Another candidate pictured a new golden age if Democrats take possession of Congress.

"I hear America singing, from Chris Matthews to little ol' me. If we win next Tuesday poverty will be eliminated, jobs will spring up from the ground and peace will reign on earth."

Last Updated: Sunday, 5 November 2006 9:52 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Tuesday, 24 October 2006

Man Personalizes Own License Plate

WASHINGTON COURT HOUSE, OH-- You might not think KJ3W43 is a personalized license plate. But is from local resident Ky Hensel's persepective, if not the Ohio Bureau of Moter Vehicle's.

"I decided rather than pay $35 for personalized plates, I'd just take the plates they gave me and make them personalized. I don't care if no one else thinks they're personalized. I do, and that's what's important."

Mr. Hensel says that in the plate the "K" stands for Kyl, the "J" for daughter Julie, the "3" represents the uniform number of his all-time favorite baseball player Babe Ruth, the "W" for Wayne, a friend from college, and "43" will be his age in two years.

"It may not be perfect, but I get a warm, fuzzy everytime I see my plates. I feel like I've pulled one over on the BMV, done an end-around against big government."

Kyle won Money Magazine's "Most Frugal" award in 2003 for his habit of flushing his toilet only once a month in order to save on his water bill.

Last Updated: Wednesday, 25 October 2006 4:26 P GMT :

Monday, 23 October 2006

George Michael Endorses Marijuana

NYCU Press, Oct 22nd, 2006

George Michael today endorsed marijuana as the drug of choice for people 'without anything to do.'

The openly gay singer with two first names reportedly lit up while being interviewed for the BBC arts program "The South Bank Show."

"This stuff keeps me sane and happy," Michael, 43, told the program. "I'd say it's a great drug — but obviously it's not very healthy. You can't afford to smoke it if you've got anything to do," stated Michael. "As with most musicians, I'm generally associated with doing nothing, and marijuana fits right in with that rock-star lifestyle,' says Michael. 'Of course, that's not the only drug I do, but it is the one I recommend -- only if you've got nothing to do.'

One thing Michael apparently does do well is drive under the influence -- allegations supported by numerous traffic incidents in and around London during 2006.

After a couple minutes of video showing George Michael staring blankly into the camera, the crew decided to call it a wrap. 'Right, another interview done, time for a nap now ...' Michael was heard to mumble. - CE

Last Updated: Monday, 23 October 2006 3:16 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Wednesday, 18 October 2006

Reverse Psychology

WASHINGTON, D.C.--In a surprise move Monday, President Bush urged Kim Il Sung to continue in his nuclear program, including construction and testing.

Mr. Bush went so far as to offer U.S. assistance and monetary aid, and the U.N. has threatened sanctions if North Korea does not continue its nuclear program.

Kim Il Sung's response so far has been one of defiance. Intelligence officers report three nuclear development facilities have been destroyed. Sung was quoted in a North Korean newspaper as saying that he would "never bow before the Western Imperialists by continuing my weapons program." -TS

Last Updated: Monday, 23 October 2006 6:33 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Tuesday, 10 October 2006

State of De Nile

Cleopatra was born in 69 BC. Her father was named Ptolemy and was reputed to have worked in "Big Oil", as the industry was colloquially known around Egypt at the time. Oil was a great benefit to civilization and literally fueled the Egyptian economy, which of course meant everyone hated it and bitterly resented any increase in its price. Ptolemy ruled the kingdom with an iron hand, rarely giving the press interviews, which resulted in a cottage industry of conspiracy theories. The most credible was that Ptolemy once talked to Bob Woodward off the record, telling him things he wouldn't tell to other reporters.

Cleopatra became head of state after her father's death. Egypt was then a prosperous, spoiled nation that was willing to sacrifice babies for the sake of convenience though not soldiers for the cause of freedom. She fell in love with Julius Ceasar, who she said told her to liberate Greece from their tyrant. Reckless in her love, she went to war. But it was met with great anger by her allies, who'd set up sweetheart deals with the Grecian tyrant. The Greek people themselves were taken aback since Egypt seemed sort of passive-aggressive. In the first Grecian war they didn't care about toppling the tyrant and ended up leaving some of their revolutionaries in a lurch.

Like her father, Cleopatra didn't give many interviews or press conferences and this made the press very, very angry. Helen Thomas, the dean of the White Pyramid press corps, once morphed into a large green man after telling Cleopatra: "Don't make me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" A Hollywood screeplay writer warned Cleopatra's secretary of state: "I often get asked 'how do you write journalists so well?' Well, I think of a man, and then take away reason and accountability."

Sixty Sundial Minutes, a respected newsmagazine based in Cairo, devoted a memorable show before the war to describing the horrors of the poison gas and anthrax that awaited Egyptian soldiers as they approached Athens. Later, when no gas or anthrax materialized, they devoted an episode to excoriating Cleopatra for failing to recognize what everyone knew before the war - that no such poisons existed. When asked about the first program, a Sundial producer confessed that "we didn't want Cleopatra to go to war, so we pretty much were going to say anything to prevent it, even to the point of making stuff up. Of course that's what we accuse Cleopatra of doing." - TS

Last Updated: Monday, 16 October 2006 2:03 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback (6-0)

Microsoft Promises (In)security

NYCU Press, Oct 10th, 2006

Microsoft has yet again announced that Windows 'Vista', the next version of its monopoly operating system for PCs, will be 'more secure than ever.' Windows XP has had over 200 serious security vulnerabilities discovered and exploited by hackers, virus writers, spyware eavesdroppers and adware advertisers since it's initial release in 2002.

Jean-Philippe Courtois, president of Microsoft International, said Microsoft had done "tons of work to make Vista a fantastic experience when it comes to security". When pressed, Courtois declined to clarify whether he meant PC users would have a 'fantastic experience,' or whether it would be the hackers, virus writers, spyware eavesdroppers and adware advertisers who were in for a fantasticality.

"Microsoft has raised its game in a big way on security and Windows Vista is the next big step. The company has learned to design software which is secure by default." After over 25 years in the operating system business, their flagship product Windows XP is still plagued by vulnerabilities, especially for casual home internet users. New vulnerabilities are discovered at a rate of about 3 per month.

It seems Microsoft's current advertising strategy for Vista is to keep repeating over and over again how secure it is, hoping its potential customers will actually believe it. It's a strategy that has worked for every successive version of Windows since Windows v3.1 became popular in the early 1980's.

Courtois also said users had to play their part in making computers more secure. "You've got to make sure that your firewall is on, that you've got anti-virus protection on your PC, you've got to understand what not to do on the internet," he said. "It's just like protecting your own home."

Problem is Microsoft built your 'home' like a gazebo, no walls and no locks -- very hard to secure.

Look for Windows Vista to be on sale early next year -- followed by the usual monthly security updates ad infinitum. - CE

Last Updated: Tuesday, 10 October 2006 5:10 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Monday, 2 October 2006

Fine Art Thief Enters Rehab

BOSTON, MA-- Phillip Philbrick III entered rehab today, blaming his propensity to steal fine works of art on alcohol usage. The longtime thief had shown remarkable skills in overcoming intricate museum security systems, but was caught last Thursday after a year-long investigation by Scotland Yard.

Philbrick developed a special fondness for Near Eastern antiquities, having most recently stolen the Frieze of Archers. His nimble fingers and steely nerves also aided in the pilfering of such works as Goya y Lucientes' The Countess del Carpio.

Philbrick claims that liquor led him to steal great works of art. Family members and friends say they never saw him touch a drop of alcohol but that "rehab is what people do when they get caught doing something".

Philbrick refuted that, saying he is the victim of his alcoholism and that he should not be held accountable for his actions. -TS

Last Updated: Monday, 2 October 2006 7:29 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Sherrod Brown Suggests Harvesting Moon's Green Cheese

WASHINGTON D.C.--- In a Meet the Press appearance yesterday, senatorial candidate Sherrod Brown said the U.S. "would've overthrown Saddam Hussein ultimately by sanctions, by doing what we were doing."

Brown later said that Hitler could've been overthrown by giving him a "time out"; Jupiter can be reached with a really powerful motor scooter; Global warming can be reversed by everyone opening their refrigerator at the same time; the U.S. can stop its dependence on foreign oil by "running our cars on a new substance called 'Brownola'", a combination of Brown's manure and granola. He also claimed the moon's green cheese would eventually solve the problem of world hunger. - TS

Last Updated: Monday, 2 October 2006 5:53 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Stone Stoned?

Oliver Stone to film next Block Buster on location in Iran

September 30th, 2006. NYCU Press

After stating that "Terrorism is a manageable action. It can be lived with," Oliver Stone announced that to prove it, he would be filming his next epic in the Terrorism Capital of the World. The film, "Death to America" will be an 'inside view' on how misunderstood terrorists are and how personable they can be when shown a little tolerance, Stone expects to touch 'the hearts and minds' of the American People by showing the human side of a terrorist. Stone chose Iran because it is one of the few sovereign countries remaining that openly sponsor terrorism, training and arming terrorists for export to other countries.

At the San Sebastian International Film Festival, before a screening of his latest film "World Trade Center", Stone told journalists that "we have destroyed the world in the name of security ... From Sept. 12 on, the incident (the attacks) was politicized and it has polarized the entire world," said Stone.

That's nothing like Stone's done -- directed a bad movie about the tragedy and lined his pockets at the expense of victims. Other recent Stone accomplishments include a history of DUIs and various drug possession charges."It's a waste of energy away from things that do matter which is poverty, death, disease, the planet itself and fixing things in our own homes rather than fighting wars with others. Mr. Bush has set America back 10 years, maybe more."

Right, Mr. Stone. Like directing bad movies, doing drugs, driving drunk, and speaking out against military action aimed at terrorists are great ways to better our country. - Chris E.

Last Updated: Monday, 2 October 2006 2:29 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Tuesday, 26 September 2006

Condi Challenges Clinton's Statements on Anti-Terror Record

"Clinton didn't leave a detailed anti-terror plan when he left office. He and his wife were too busy looting the place to be bothered with official business."

WASHINGTON D.C. --Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., defended her husband. "I just think that my husband did a great job in demonstrating that Democrats are not going to take this," she told Newsday on Monday.

"We will, however, take everything that's not nailed down. I can't wait for another go around at the White House! It's like Christmas!" ---Chris E.

Last Updated: Tuesday, 26 September 2006 7:25 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Monday, 12 February 2007

Is Obama Too White?

Nope, he looks black to me. Next question.

Last Updated 7:25 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Monday, 25 September 2006

I Think This Photo May've Been Altered...

Last Updated: Monday, 25 September 2006 9:01 P GMT ::

S.A.D. Sufferer Too Lethargic to Buy Full Spectrum Light

Last Updated: Tuesday, 26 September 2006 7:17 P GMT ::

Friday, 15 September 2006

Muslims Stage Elaborate Self-Parody: Protest Criticism of Violence with Violence

Muslims in India burned the pope in effigy recently due to his criticism of Islamic violence. No parody required.

Last Updated: Monday, 18 September 2006 1:03 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Friday, 8 September 2006

The Plame Game

Washington D.C.--A lawyer for Valerie Plame announced today that they don't plan on letting news reports of Richard Armitage being the source of Plame's exposure as a CIA operative get in the way of their target of President Bush and his associates.

"It was never about finding the truth, " he said, with a candor that took many by surprise. "It was all about making life as painful as possible for the Liar-in-Chief and his Iraq co-conspirators. In the fine tradtion of 'truthiness', we plan to continue the lawsuit against the associates of Bush because it's them we want to punish."

Last Updated: Friday, 8 September 2006 1:44 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Thursday, 24 August 2006

Nigerian Scammers Form Union

LAGOS, NIGERIA-- Workers at the Nigerian scammer plant here in Lagos have formed a union in response to what they see as intolerable working conditions.

The new union will "safeguard the lawful rights and interests of the Nigerian scammers," said DR.Denison Eze, its new chairman as well as financial controller of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC).

"We've found many scammers have developed carpal tunnel from typing the long missives necessary to entice suspicious Westerners of the benefits of claiming funds or removing bureaucratic barriers to large amounts of money."

He also said many have experienced eye strain.

"Why do you think some of the emails come to you in all caps? It's because they can barely see what they're typing!"

He suggested that the constant need for deception takes its toll.

"Many of our scammers take their work home with them, even to the point of trying to scam wives and children. There's nothing sadder than watching a father say to his son: 'This amount accrued from an over-invoiced contract amount for the construction of an Oil Refinery Sub- Stations in Nigeria in 1999. The contract was valued for one Hundred and Twenty Seven Million United States Dollar (US$127,000,000.00), but we manipulated the figure to read one Hundred and Sixty Nine Million United States Dollars($169,000,000.00). The extra $42,000,000.00 is what we want to transfer now.'"

Last Updated: Saturday, 26 August 2006 11:19 A GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Wednesday, 16 August 2006

U.S. Criticized for Dysentery Emphasis

US policy is undermining the efforts of Third Word countries to fight the disease, a leading UN figure has said.

Stephen Hejit, UN Special Envoy, said America's emergency plan for fighting dysentery and other human waste-bourne diseases was too focused on promoting cleanliness and the protection of water supplies from human waste.

He said Washington was practicing "incipient neo-colonialism" by telling nations how to fight disease. Hejit didn't single out the U.S. alone for criticism but included nature as partially to blame: "I call on all bacteria to stop targeting poorer nations."

Hejit continued: "This is an outrageous example of US paternalism. Better sanitation might well improve conditions in Third World nations, but that's a draconian solution best left to the people of those nations. Washington should just give money, since wanting to curtail the spread of disease is arrogance."

Last Updated: Thursday, 17 August 2006 1:28 A GMT :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Thursday, 20 July 2006

U.N. Resolution 1831 Chastises, Threatens U.N.

NEW YORK, NY (AP)-- U.N. resolution 1831, which threatens the UN with disbandment, passed by a narrow margin today. The resolution requires the organization reform or disband effective January 1, 2009 and uses surprisingly frank language such as: "we can be corrupt or ineffective but not both" and "we simply must stop sucking so badly".

Many diplomats aren't taking the resolution seriously, saying they don't expect the resolution to be enforced.

Last Updated: Tuesday, 25 July 2006 2:39 A GMT :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Wednesday, 19 July 2006

Hezbollah Leader Calls for U.N. to Enforce Sanctions

(Based on this quote from Hezbollah press officer Hussein Nabulsi:
"He said he was surprised that the United Nations and international community had not expressed outrage at the damage inflicted on the Lebanese. "Where is the international community? Where is the Security Council? Where's the United Nations? Where's the whole world? We are under fire.")

Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah called for the Lebanese Government and the United Nations to fully enforce resoution 1559 by forcefully disarming Hezbollah. This is a drastic reversal of Lebanon's support for Hezbollah and Hezbollah's open defiance of the Resolution 1559 in the past.

"If the United Nations had done it's job and forced the disarmament of my terrorist organization as 1559 called for," Nasrallah explained, "we wouldn't be in this mess now. If only the Lebanese Government, a democratically elected government, would have had enough spine to forcibly disarm Hezbollah, Lebanon wouldn't be getting bombed back to the stone age."

Nasrallah also admitted he and his top lieutenants were international criminals for their hand in the current conflict and "have the blood of many Lebanese civilians on our hands." He also went on to say that Iran was far from blameless: "They told me to do it." he stated, "Why did I listen?" (--Chris E.)

Last Updated: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 2:26 P GMT :: Comments/Trackback

Baby in Womb Hires Coyote to Get Him to the Border

ORLANDO, FL--A twenty-week old unborn child has contracted the services of a coyote in order to guide him to the "border", that is outside the womb, in order to qualify for the right not to be killed.

It began when baby "Doe", then 18 weeks, overheard his mother discussing a possible abortion. Knowing that geography is destiny and that even if only his head emerges from his mother's body there would be a miraculous increase in rights, the baby figured there was little to lose.

A coyote involved in Mexican trans-border traffic said that he and others like him would have little recourse in helping the child.

"I can't help him there, but I don't blame the boy for tryin'."

posted Saturday, 10 June 2006

Poor U.N. Is Just Misunderstood

President Bush apologized to the United Nations today, saying he was responsible for Middle America's open contempt of the United Nations.

Responding to the deputy-secretary general's comments the president said, "Americans don't despise the UN because it's openly corrupt and ineffective, they don't hate the UN because the US is a major contributor and we don't get our money's worth, nor because the UN has been ineffective in almost every undertaking in the last 25 years."

Bush continued; "Indeed, Americans don't despise the UN because members routinely use the organization as a soap box for their anti-American rhetoric, nor is it because the UN has tried and failed to bring relief supplies to victims of several recent natural disasters in a timely manner," Bush said in his public apology. "Americans don't despise the United Nations because officials of the UN routinely insult Americans as Jan Egland did during the Tsunami Disaster of December 2004, when he called US Citizens 'stingy'."

"Americans despise the United Nations because my Administration hasn't told Americans what a great organization the United Nations is. For that, I apologize" said President Bush. - by Chris E.

posted Thursday, 8 June 2006

Nagin Grateful for Senseless Voters

NEW ORLEANS, LA-- Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans was re-elected as Mayor of New Orleans in a run-off election against Lt. Gov. Mitch Landrieu. Nagin was Mayor of New Orleans during Huricane Katrina, and his administration's missteps and blunders cost thousands of people their lives during and after the storm. The Mayor's refusal to order a timely evacuation of the city left about a quarter of a million people stranded in the city, and tens of thousands more dependant on the government for transportation and health care stranded in flooded areas with no means of escape. Thousands died in the disaster.

Nagin also tried to re-populate the city well before it was safe, at odds with just about every other authority on the matter, only backing down when it was apparent he would get no support for re-population from anyone in Louisianna's State Government, and indeed could likely face criminal charges for recklessly endangering citizens lives.

Today, however, Nagin was pleased with the election results, saying "By voting for me, you've shown that a majority of you don't even have the sense to care about your own safety and well being. For that I am immensely grateful." Mayor Nagin is anxious to have the City of New Orlean's population return, because "You can't collect the payola, unless there's people living here to pay."

IMHO, people will not be returning to New Orleans any time soon. - by Chris E.

Immigrants No Longer "Illegal"

In a surprising linguistic coup, illegal immigrants across the nation today have successfully achieved a nomenclature change in the nation's major newspapers and magazines: they will now be referred to as legal immigrants or just immigrants for short. Those known formerly as "legal immigrants" will continue to be called legal immigrants or just immigrants for short. According to unnamed sources, officials at the Democratic party headquarters are lobbying for a name change from the "Democratic Party" to the "Pro-Life Party" in order to attract religious right voters. The Republicans are hinting at "The Environmental Party". Muslims have anticipated the trend by naming their religion "Islam".

The Dyslexic News Reader

New York, NY---The AP is reporting today that Katie DeLay has left her job in Congress and will be hosting the CBS Evening News.

According to an interview with conservative journalists, Tom Couric looked at Nielsens and saw that he had only a 50-50 chance of keeping his position, so he has decided to take Bob Scheiffer's job.

Katie was forced to publically thank co-workers she loathed, which she later admitted was the reason for her reluctance to retire from the House of Representatives. While not personally implicated yet, she was surrounded by crooked people.

Nicknamed "The Hammer", Katie DeLay's time at NBC's "The Today Show" was marked by a desire to sell liberal ideology to the masses after beginning her career as an exterminator. Her finely coiffed hair was widely seen as an asset as Majority Leader, his sweet manner allowing him to get things done that the less perky would not be able to.

In a parting shot, Tom said that the press lacks an agenda and that she regrets that in her new position as Majority Leader of the CBS Evening News she'll be less able to influence events. Once referred to as "the Eva Braun of liberal politics", it's expected he'll be reduced to reading a teleprompter while facing criminal charges in Texas.

posted Wednesday, 5 April 2006 comments (2)

Islam Wins "World's Worst Religion Award" for Record Tenth Time

New York, NY-- Islam again won the coveted "World's Worst Religion" award, beating out such worthy contenders as Scientology and Branch Davidian Seventh-Day Adventistism.

Islam has won the award for ten consecutive years on the strength of combining great popularity with great depravity on the part of some of its adherents. Many observers thought that the negative image of Islam peaked around 2001 and that other religions would claim the award, but terrorist acts in Madrid kept Muslim hopes alive. This year's riots over cartoons caused Islam's negatives to soar, as did the recent controversy concerning an Afghan Christian who arrested before being deported.

The least hated religion was the Amish due to their low profile and general lack of trouble-making skills.

posted Wednesday, 5 April 2006

Moderate Muslims Orchestrate Invisible Protest

Moderate Muslims have staged an elaborate invisible protest in the wake of the bombing of the Danish embassy after the publication of anti-Islamic cartoons in a Danish newspaper, claims a moderate Muslim named Abdul Muhammed.
"We are protesting the actions of those few radicals with great vehemence, but only in our hearts," he said.

When asked how one would tell when an invisible protest is over, Abdul said, "if anyone can tell when the protest begins or ends then it would not be an effective invisible protest would it?" He added that he likes invisible protests because they are safer.

posted Friday, 10 February 2006

Muslims Riot Over Potato Chip That "Looked Like Mohammed"

LONDON-- A British potato chip company was bombed yesterday after a chip appeared to contain the image of the Prophet Mohammed. The chip, or crisp as they call them, was purchased at a restaurant near Kensington Square.
Rioters took to the streets three weeks after the discovery and after word spread that the making of the chip was intentional. There was widescale looting as well as setting bags of the snack food on fire. Islam bans any depiction of the prophet.

A worker for the potato chip company said that it could've been worse. "The prophet's image could've appeared in a pork chop."

Dangerous chips

posted Friday, 10 February 2006

U.S. Rolls Into France to Demonstrate Truly "Illegal" War« H »

Mon Liege, FRANCE-- A U.S. Army division crossed briefly into western French today in order to clarify the definition of "illegal war".

At a press conference held immediately afterwards, President George W. Bush explained: "There seems to be some confusion on the part of our European al-lies concerning what an 'illegal war' is. So I sent General Brantley's army over the French border in order to demonstrate an illegal war so as to help our friends see the difference. As you know, France didn't attack Germany a decade ago starting a war, nor did France then violate seventeen ceasefire resolutions. So this incursion is illegal and I have directed General Brantley to remove U.S. forces from French soil."

Protest groups were stunned but were frustrated by a lack of available Bush effigies to burn or hang. Michael Moore was speechless, saying that he was sorry he hadn't saved incendiary rhetoric for a moment he really needed it. Howard Dean hummed the tune of La Marseillaise to his supporters and said he will seek French citizenship.

posted Monday, 19 December 2005

No Relief Expected for Baby "Rookie" Williams

PERORIA, IL--The execution of the unborn child of Sarah Williams, dubbed "Rookie", is scheduled to take place at 12:01PM Tuesday at an abortion clinic outside Peroria. No media is expected to be present, nor protestors. The governor has no power to intervene and clemency can only come from the mother of the child. Public Relations expert Thomas Richards suggests that the baby lacks the skills needed in a media age. "The baby needs to be more visible. A strong personality helps, one that has won friends." When told that it's impossible for an unborn baby to go on Oprah or to have "won friends" Richards replied, "well it's really difficult if the client doesn't have a strong cadre of supporters, of those who could mentally put themselves in his place and feel the unjustness of the execution. It also helps if the victim is a white woman."

Many say that the death penalty for unborns is racist since African-American babies are killed at a much higher rate than white babies. Inexplicably, Hollywood actors have not rallied to the baby's cause despite nearly universal acknowledgement that "Rookie" Williams has done nothing wrong. The child would've been six months in the womb on Tuesday.

posted Tuesday, 13 December 2005

Adopt an Iraqi Soldier Program

As you probably know, the U.S. government has not been very successful in recruiting and training an Iraqi army. It's been reported that at the current rate there will not be an effective Iraqi army for two to three millenia. This is obviously unacceptable. Even Hillary Clinton will not support the war at that point since her candidacy for presidency will be over.
But for just $1,000 a day you can help train an Iraqi soldier!

Millions of ordinary Americans can make the difference by not allowing the government to muck up what a private organization can. For your monthly contribution of thirty thousand dollars you'll receive a picture of your adopted Iraqi soldier and periodically a letter updating his progress. Here's an actual letter received last week:

"Dear Sponsor,
Thank you for role in helping form an Iraqi army. It's week 36 in our program and we've been learning about firearms. We were given fake guns this time, but next week they say I'll get to hold an actual one (unloaded of course).

I met another trainee who I thought would be a friend until I realized he was a Sunni and of course I am a Shiite. I hate him. When they give me live ammo I might just.. [edited].

Achim Muhammed, Corporal of 1st Division Iraqi Army"

So please contribute today! Mastercard, Visa and American Express accepted.

posted Friday, 2 December 2005

Vatican Document Requires Priest Candidates to be Catholic

VATICAN CITY STATE-- In a shocking Vatican document released yesterday, the Catholic Church will begin requiring candidates for the priesthood believe what the Catholic Church teaches.

"I can't believe this," said a dismayed Catholic who refused to be identified. "What about the rights of Methodists, agnostics and atheists to become Catholic priests? What kind of fascist organization is this Vatican?"

Already groups of agnostics and atheists are lighting up the blogosphere, protesting that the Church ordain them too. "The RCC is on a power trip," said agnostic Joe Petelli. "I'm not a church-going man, nor do I believe in God, but human institutions like the Catholic Church ought to not practice discrimination."

posted Wednesday, 23 November 2005 comments (2)

Passages: Predictable Crises of a Bush Hater's Life

You, or a loved one, might be experiencing BMMIS (Bush Made Me Insane Syndrome). Fortunately the symptoms will lessen as we near '08 and his term is over, but here is a list of warning signs in order to discern the level of illness:

Stage 1 - patient expresses annoyance. Reports feelings such as "he talks funny" or "he can't even pronounce the word 'nuclear'".

Stage 2 - declares intense dislike. "He was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple". "Too upfront about his religion." "He is so unsophisticated; the Europeans are laughing at us."

Stage 3 - patient expresses a hatred that begins to cloud his judgment. Has bumper sticker on car that says "I Didn't Vote for the War Profiteer". Routinely calls the President a "liar".

Stage 4 - Sometimes referred to as the Cindy Sheehan Stage, hatred builds in proportion to lack of success in converting all Americans to his point-of-view. Sees logic in the 9/11 attacks saying "maybe we deserved it". Feels sympathy for Saddam Hussein and considers Bush a worse evil. As the patient edges towards stage 5, may begin to ascribe random meterological events to W.

Stage 5 - Patient has lost reason and rationality. Bush is responsible for global warming, Katrina, bird flu, steroids, spam, scientology, eschatology, Fox News and Rupert Murdoch. Some patients at Stage 5+ feel eternal life would be possible but for the Bush tax cuts.

posted Thursday, 27 October 2005

To tune of David Bowie's "Ground Control" on Tom Cruise

Ground control to Major Tom, Ground control to Major Tom:
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
Ground control to Major Tom: Commencing countdown engine's on
Check ig-nition and may L Ron be with you

This is ground control to Major Tom, you've really made the grade!
And soon you'll be a Thetan level VI,
Now it's time to leave the spaceship if you dare

This is Major Tom to ground control, I'm stepping through the door
And I'm jumping on the couch in a most peculiar way
And Lauer looks very different today

For here am I sitting in a tin can, far above the world
Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can't do


Though I've spent eight hundred thousand dollars, I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go,
tell my ex's I love them very much, they know

Ground control to Major Tom:
Your circuit's off, there's something wrong.
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?

-posted Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Supreme Court Shocker: Marijuana REALLY IS Illegal!

Once again, the Supreme Court of the United States upheld the Federal Statue outlawing the possession or use of Marijuana, even for medical purposes as permitted by certain States.

Plaintiff's in the case argued that California State Law permitted them to use Marijuana for medical purposes, and that Federal Law did not
apply to them. The Justices found that Federal Law could indeed trump State Law.

“Uh, um, like wow man. I thought for sure, um, you know, that like people would be OK with Mary Jane, like you know, who wouldn't be? Just try her.” said John Q. Public, a 45 year old chronic user of Marijuana. He stated he uses Marijuana to control any random spurts of ambition he might have during the day. “Who knows what could happen if I get an ambition, and then carry through with it? My god, what would that lead to?!”

Jane Q. Public said “Without Marijuana, I would die. Its the only thing that keeps me alive.” Jane suffers from self-diagnosed chronic
depression. “Marijuana is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning, and the only thing that keeps me going.” Jane also sighted the
control of ambition as a valuable effect on her life. “Look at everyone who has ambitions -- they're all unhappy.”

There is no credible medical study that concludes medical benefit or even the safety of smoking Marijuana, yet many people with chronic or terminal illnesses claim they benefit from using the illegal drug.

“When we have anecdotal evidence that a drug is beneficial, we should throw caution to the wind, and prescribe that to anyone who wants it.”

So says Dr. J. Blowhard, a physician with a small family practice in California. “As a Doctor of Medicine, I feel it's my duty to provide
drugs to anyone who goes out of their way to bother me for a prescription. No matter whether the drug is legal or not.” He adds, “I
can't be bothered to know all the side effects of every drug -- I leave it to my patients to determine whether a drug is appropriate for their
illness and whether or not its safe to use.”

Since there is strong anecdotal evidence that suggests that Marijuana impairs brain function and interferes with long term memory, its likely the Supreme Court will be hearing this issue again and again far into the future. -by Chris E.

Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Issue of Newsweek Flushed Down Commode by Islamicists; Soros Plans Riots

Thursday, 26 May 2005 11:59 PM :: Comments/Trackback (2-0)

Catholics disappointed by election of Catholic Pope

BOSTON, MA--Many liberal Catholics are reacting with disappointment to news of the ascension of Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger to the papacy.

"I was hoping a lay person this time might get the nod," said a lay person who asked not to be identified. "The Church needs to look more like America. Especially lay America. Especially lay America near Boston. Preferably around Copley Square."

posted Friday, 22 April 2005

Samuel Hill tired of "Who in the Sam Hill" jokes

Wednesday, 13 April 2005 01:29 PM

Bill Clinton Calls Tom DeLay Dishonest

New York City, April 7th - Bill Clinton's Office today issued a statement saying Tom Delay was 'dishonest.' The press release went on to say that "Public Officials that lie to the American people are criminals, and should be treated as such."

In a startingly unbiased move, most press organizations ignored what this leading Democrat had to say about the embattled Republican.

More on Bill Clinton's almost forgotten term on this website devoted to Bill Clinton's accomplishments while in office: (-CE)

posted Thursday, 7 April 2005

Jackson Trial Surprise

LOS ANGELES, CA---In a bizarre twist, Michael Jackson and his accuser have volunteered to plead the other side's case.
Mr. Jackson's own defense attorney first suggested the unorthodox move because he said the singer is so unpopular with the jury that if he argues for his guilt the jury will be more inclined to find him innocent.

Similarly, the accuser and his family have been looking into possibilities that the jury's disgust at them can be used for them instead of against them. So far the prosecuting attorney hasn't proposed anything.

"I think Michael is so unpopular with the jury that at this point I want him on the stand saying 'I did it' even if he didn't," said one of Jackson's attorneys. (-TS)

posted Tuesday, 5 April 2005

Local Nun Hopes Holy Spirit Is A Feminist

NEWARK, Oh--Sister Christine of the "Sisters for the American Way", a religious order based in Columbus, Ohio, hopes that the next Pope will allow gay women priests to marry each other.

"I'm ardently pro-feminist but also a Catholic, so I'm hoping the Holy Spirit will this time pick out someone who shares my views," she said.

posted Monday, 4 April 2005

Border Sign

NOGLAZE, AZ--U.S. border officials discovered today that a large fifty-foot billboard paid for by the Mexican government that was supposed to say "Emigration to U.S. Will Be Prosecuted" actually said "U.S. Border This Way. Don't Forget to Send Money."

The slip up has caused tensions between the least senior U.S. and Mexican diplomats (senior diplomats like the flow of illegals), especially since the sign was put on American soil.

"I saw it up there but it was all in Spanish. I didn't know what it said. I figured it was 'Emigration Will Be Prosecuted'", said the U.S. official in charge. "If they'd written it in English I'd have caught their mistake."

posted Sunday, 3 April 2005

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