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LONDON, U.K.-- A recent study found alarming new evidence that life exposes people to extremely high rates of death.
The study, financed by the government agency in charge of financing wasteful studies, found that those living are infinitely more likely to suffer death than those already dead or never born.
"I was taken aback by this study," one man said. "I thought that once I quit smoking and drinking I'd live forever."
An economist said that some people minimize risk factors that can lead to ill-health, but in doing so forget that death is not optional.
"The truth is, everybody's going to die of something. I'm not sure dementia or Alzheimer's is all that much better heart disease or cancer."