Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Herod to be Given Honorary Degree

TEL AVIV- Herod, who like Cher and Ludacris needs no last name, will be given a posthumous honorary degree at Moses University on May 17th. A distant descendant will give the commencement address in his stead.

The invitation has not been without controversy, primarily from Jews upset by Herod's policy of killing the innocents in order to secure his position. Supporters point to the fact that it's customary to honor the Roman leader in Israel and that Herod has done many fine things in addition to being Israel's first ruler of Edomite ancestry.

The president of the university, Rabbi Terra, issued this letter to the graduates yesterday:
I am saddened that many friends of MU have suggested that our honoring Herod indicates ambiguity in our position on matters of Jewish teaching. The University and I are unequivocally committed to the sanctity of human life, although not necessarily if it means the death of a promising political career, such as the man we will honor at our graduation ceremony.

All ought applaud Herod the Great's views and policies on temple building, expanding health care to the farflung territories east of the Jordan, alleviating poverty, and building peace through diplomacy while at the same time not withdrawing precipitously from Egyptistan and Turkraq.


Anonymous said...


Lost Document found in basement of Hesburgh Library. Thought to be part of the archive papers of Prof. Heydrich Plunkett left in Medieval Institute ( Paleographic files). Circa: 1954.

Found, by chance, by visiting scholar Herr Doktor Professor L.L. Lothar vom dem Universitat auf Leipzig. ( Leipzig Medieval Institute: located in Saxony, former East Germany).

These fragments of a Medieval Institute Document (Paleographic) were translated with the intent to publish them by ND Press this summer.

Here follows Prof. Lothar’s translation from Ancient Greek to American English. Note: Prof. Lothar stated he is unable, at present, to translate the last line but will consult with Leipzig faculty.

Archimedes: Your Majesty! What a surprise at this late hour! To what do I own the honor of a visit from King Hieron to my modest home?

King Hieron: My dear friend Archimedes, this evening we had a dinner in my palace to celebrate the great triumph of our small city, notraus damius, over the mighty Roman Catholics! I invited you, but your place remained empty. Why didn’t you come, you who to whom above all we owe today’s victory? Your huge, concave brazen mirrors set afire the bundles of messages from the Roman Catholics---at least ten ship loads full. Their messages sped like fiery torches out of your harbor in the southwest---all went down before reaching open sea and vision to all. I could not sleep without thanking you for delivering our city notraus damius from the enemy.

Archimedes: They may come back, and we are still surrounded on the mainland. And pious King, more provinces are mustering forces to breech the walls of notraus damius.

King Hieron: We shall speak about that later. First, let me hand you a present, the best I can give.

Archimedes: A wonderful masterpiece indeed. But pious King I must tell you the battle was won----not by me---but my two lieutenants Paulus Fullerus and Crapius Crepius.

King Hieron: Paulus Fullerus? And Crapius Crepius?

Archimedes: Yes Your Majesty! These two…

King Hieron: Is this the same Paulus Fullerus from the province of Schitterus?

Archimedes: Yes your Majesty. It is he: Fullerus of Schitterus!

King Hieron: And is the Crapius Crepius the Engineer? The one so versed in Pythagorean matters such as the triangle, square & the big screw?

Archimedes: It was Crapius who fastened the brazen mirrors with water cooling mechanisms such that the soldiers could aim the brazen concave mirrors without burning themselves yet permitting the brazen concave mirrors to burn down the messages on ships from the Roman Catholic enemy!!! And it is he who in hydraulics did…what?...yes Your Majesty…it is a Greek word “hydraulikos”---meaning water organ; and yes----he does use his water organ to spray unsuspecting ones as dancing of the muses. He thinks it much like Circe changes companions into pigs as amusement glee.

King Hieron: Then good and faithful servant Archimedes your soldiers have stopped, for now, the vile Roman Catholic messages from viewing by those in province!

Archimedes: Yes your Majesty. Stopped them full by smoke & mirrors!

King Hieron: Where are your two stalwart lieutenants now? Is not Paulus Fullerous from Schitterous a master of Scop? A Scribe of the Realm?

Archimedes: All you say is true brave King! Fullerus of Schitterus is now with the Oracle of Jenkion….yet in Temple. He prays for guidance but I have told him oft that he can not pray a lie! Crapius is tending to the big screw & water organ to make sure all works well should vile Roman Catholics return in force.

King Hieron: The Oracle of Jenkion? Is this the new Oracle the one so taken with Narcissi? And with bow & arrow like Odysseus to shoot at all for gold and treasure?

Archimedes: Yes good King. And this Oracle of Jenkion thinks not of you, his King, nor does he to science bend but sprouts false words of peace while seeking fawning fame with superiors known! He fawns to Zeus while feigned dressed as an old beggar to seek pathos and thereby gold and treasure. He does not consult with revered Oracles at Delphi or Delia.

King Hieron: Tell me straightaway noble Archimedes: is there a secret clod---one of mystical nod---who seeks to keep secrets from me when errors known to be protected? The Truth dear friend!

Archimedes: I think so your Majesty. There is from Euclid & Pythagoras mystical matters fiercely guarded---on penalty of death if revealed---to guard known errors. Such errors secreted of circles to be squared but are folly. The Mystical PI is not to be round as Scop has tried to make & co-opted Crapius to protect.
I think his statue of note he seeks to shine in Jenkion Temple and thus makes fast to protect all errors of rational Numbers. It is the guarded secret of the circle---the blue one your Majesty----that they seek to overwhelm the rational integers to square the circle when this in fact is known since Babylonians & Egyptians to be false. That they still persist is folly….

King Hieron: Let me see Archimedes if I have this fast. The mystical PI is not such that a round man into a square hole fits and all is well! It is not rational. Hmm. Then to worship false numbers is intemperate! Hmm. Then…I have it! These limited lieutenants then---because you have not told them all but only what they need---are irrational on the rational; then intemperate with what should be temperate; and then it boils down to irrational on the intemperate when, in fact, they should be temperate with the irrational when it is known to be transcendental. Is that right?

Archimedes; Perfectly! And they block all inquiry fearing loss of fame, power and monument!

King Hieron: What should I do with your golden present? Should I with temporary fame acclaim the two lieutenants and then dispatch when their secrets ooze, otherwise they will compound further mischief?

Archimedes: Your Majesty: Melt it down and make two new coins of special merit. One for Parrnassian Paulus Fullerus from Schitterus as he still to Apollo & Jenkion obsequious and the other for Hydrologist Crapius Crepius. On one side place a soldier’s likeness with spear & horse and ah…

King Hieron: Archimedes! What part of the horse? And….the color of the horse dear friend?

Archimedes: The back part Your Majesty. The horse’s ass. The horse is pinto: like a zebra of white & black with marks and features irregular. Then on the obverse side place a likeness of the Temple of Jenkion. On each side inscribe: Intemperate Irrationality and on the other side: Irrational Intemperance. You can add a small symbol of our city notraus damius in an obscure part of the coins. Also, select a prominent place where the mystical PI can be viewed as symbol for the incorrigible circle squarers. Withhold some gold & fill with lesser metals Your Majesty since lieutenants are not of good metal & will not have access to my measuring ways to find if gold is mixed with silver or metals poor---a way they know to deceive.

King Hieron: So be it noble Archimedes.

Archimedes: Μὴ μου τοὺς κύκλους τάραττε.

TS said...

Quite a tour de force. I'm thinking anon is either Meredith or H. of Michigan.