PanderBama Strikes Again!

Not doing so well with the base, huh? No problem, I'll have Carney release a statement calling The Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional .... -CE

Underachievers' Group Lowers Barriers to Entry

Schnectaday, NY-- A local support group for underachievers is lowering the barrier to entry by accepting non-dues paying members.

"We're not meeting the membership quotas we set out for ourselves," said the group's junior member, Mr. I.P. Daily. "So we decided make the qualifications less rigorous by ending the five dollar entry fee."

The group, which has no president or vice-president, has been in existence for almost two months.

-TS

Mubarak Pleads for Time to Use Restroom

CAIRO, EGYPT--Egyptian ruler Hosnie Mubarak promised to step down today after he goes to the bathroom.

This comes on the heels of multiple promises to relinquish control after increasingly shorter intervals beginning with, "I'll retire after a couple more election cycles," followed by "I won't run again," to finally, "Please, I'll quit very soon."

Mubarak's latest promise, to retire after he uses the presidential bathroom one last time, has only led to greater unrest.

"He's been in power thirty years," said one Egyptian. "He can use the pot on his own time."

The Egyptian strong man has already resigned three times but never without his fingers crossed behind his back.

"He has more comebacks than Michael Jordan," said Muhammed Akeem.

-TS