Newt Gingrich Spring 2011 Pander Winner

WASHINGTON D.C.--Newt Gingrich today surprised many by winning the prestigious Spring 2011 "pander bear" contest.

"We felt he had the best credentials of any in the Republican field," said one of the judges. "His telling seniors what they wanted to hear was priceless."

Gingrich famously called the Paul Ryan plan "rightwing social engineering" in order to pander to seniors who don't want to see Medicare for non-seniors affected by potential cuts. Ryan's plan is said to set the Medicare program on a sustainable long-term spending trajectory. -TS

Unborn Children Not OK with Truce

INDIANAPOLIS, IN--When Indiana governor Mitch Daniels raised the white flag asking that there be a "truce on social issues" he didn't speak for the unborn, who cringe at being labeled a "social issue" and who don't much like the idea of a truce being called on whether or not to kill them.

"It's personal for us. We would appreciate it if Gov. Daniels might recognize that there are things more important than a balanced budget," said a spokesman for unborn babies, "such as the right to life!"  -TS

"Obama Math" Now Taught in Schools

LANCASTER,PA--They're calling it "Obama Math" in the high school economic courses: that strategy of defining "budget cuts" as that which you might've spent in the future but now plan to save.

"It's really a cool budgeting tool," said Darby high school student Lawrence Jones. "You just say, 'I'm cutting the budget by a trillion dollars by saying you were planning on spending three trillion even if you were originally planning on spending two. It's cutting imaginary money, which makes it much less painful."

A 7th grader at a local middle school especially appreciated the "logic".

"My mom says I spend too much time on the phone and so I promised to cut back by saying that the rate of increase has slowed. I said if President Obama can get away with it, then why can't I? My mom said I don't have Obama's press corps." -TS

Romney "Defends" Romneycare

WASHINGTON D.C.--Mitt Romney gave a major campaign speech yesterday underlining the reasons he instituted "Romneycare", a health care plan in Massachusetts that many say looks and feels like Obamacare.

The former governor said that he felt the health care law in Massachusetts was good for Massachusetts because of states' rights.

"I prefer damage be done on the state level and not federal level. I'm proud of what Massachusetts did because it wasn't the federal government doing it but because we did it to ourselves. I say if you're going to hurt yourself, it's better to do it at the state level. If I'm elected president of the United States, I won't be screwing up anything because I feel like that should only be done on a state or local level." -TS

OBL's Son Creates Own Parody

Outti, Saudi Arabia--One of the sons of Osama bin Laden was shocked that his late father was not read his Miranda rights.

"I see a lot of corrupt Western TV," said Muhammed bin Laden, "and I know they're supposed to read you your Miranda rights. I've seen no report of this happening with my father."