Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Graffiti Artist in Tune with Community Standards

Kansas City, KS-- Troy Dimetri, 22, styles himself a graffiti artist sensitive to community standards.

"My works have been exhibited at innumerable utility poles and light fixtures in and around the city. I observe graffiti etiquette by not assaulting community standards."

A lifelong member of Local 101 Graffiti Artists Union, he claims that all his drawings, though done illegally, are nonetheless done with care and craftsmanship.

"My aim is to leave my mark on as many walls and public utilities as possible without being needlessly provocative."

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Ice Road Programmers
(aka The Deadliest Loop)

Airing this fall there's a new reality show from the Discovery Channel: Ice Road Programmers.

See if the cast members will "crack" under the pressure of computer programming in fifty degree below zero temperatures. Watch as they attempt to code on desktops set up on fragile ice floes north of Nome, Alaska.

"*Bleep*, *Bleep* -ing computer!"

Then after the season airs we'll take a behind-the-scenes look with in-depth interviews featuring all the programmers. Watch as Sharat Chidambaram tells his biggest secret, and see P. Singh break down after achieving his goal of being as bad-ass as his accountant father.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Obama's Would-be Son

WASHINGTON, D.C.--"If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon," said President Obama, who then added, "but I hope he wouldn't act like him. I hope he wouldn't whup strangers upside the head, slam heads against concrete, get suspended from school, carry burglary equipment and take drugs. Except for those minor things, he could definitely be my son."

Friday, March 2, 2012

Dems Shocked by Thought of Rich Man Running for POTUS

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The party of Kennedy, Kerry and Gore is shocked - shocked and appalled! - that a rich man might be the standard bearer of the Republican party come November.

"If Romney becomes the nominee you can bet the Dems will forget about Gore's gigantic mansion or Kerry having married into a ketchup empire. They'll conveniently forget that Obama's lucrative book sales have put him in the top .01 percent," said one media analyst.

A Democratic operative said, "Fortunately President Obama will have a billion dollars to spend getting out his message that the Republican candidate is too rich."

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Casey Anthony Jury Brainwashed

ORLANDO, FL-- The members of the jury for the Casey Anthony murder trial were hypnotized and brainwashed by a court official giving jury instructions, according to one eyewitness.

Arthur Jones, 43, of Clearmind, FL reports that the jury was brainwashed to believe that "reasonable doubt includes space aliens coming to earth and ending the life of Anthony's child," he said yesterday.

The jury members were then scrupulously admonished not to "let common sense enter into this trial" and thereafter they obediently followed the defense attorney's lead.

After the verdict, one of the jurors was heard asking "what just happened?" after the defense attorney uttered a prearranged word that signaled for the jury to wake up.  -ts

Monday, June 20, 2011

Study Finds Munitions Used in Afghanistan Actually Improve Environment

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN--For most countries, the waste of a war contributes to environmental pollution -- spent ammunition, broken buildings, the scrap metal of destroyed vehicles and civilian infrastructure, and the assorted few radioactive munitions leave behind slightly radioactive debris.

In Afghanistan, a study has found that the country was so used up and barren before the war that environmental pollution left behind is actually enriching the soil and the country. Scrap iron can be recycled into new items. Bombs cultivate the soil and reveal rich earth under the parched burnt topsoil.   -CE

Bush-Obama War Doctrine Outlined

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Bush-Obama war doctrine was announced yesterday in a short ceremony at the Rose Garden.

Former President Bush joined President Obama to announce that "the Bush-Obama doctrine is to fight only unwinnable, endless wars in countries that do not involve the national interest."

Foreign policy analysts were pleased with the accuracy of statement and added that "wars fought while the country is mired in smothering debt are even better."   -TS

Monday, June 13, 2011

Weiner Poor Scandal Player

NEW YORK, NY--Experts say that Anthony Weiner, the embattled congressman who sexted a college-aged girl, has played "Scandalopoly" poorly.

"It's the textbook way to fail at Scandalopoly: Congressmen makes a mistake, immediately denies mistake, promises full investigation, gets caught when others say he did the same to them too, takes 'full responsibility', says he'll attend the proverbial professional treatment program," said one of the inventors of the board game "Scandalopoly", which tests the players' ability to get ahead of a scandal.

"I'm disappointed in how piss-poor Weiner's play was," he added.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Newt Gingrich Spring 2011 Pander Winner

WASHINGTON D.C.--Newt Gingrich today surprised many by winning the prestigious Spring 2011 "pander bear" contest.

"We felt he had the best credentials of any in the Republican field," said one of the judges. "His telling seniors what they wanted to hear was priceless."

Gingrich famously called the Paul Ryan plan "rightwing social engineering" in order to pander to seniors who don't want to see Medicare for non-seniors affected by potential cuts. Ryan's plan is said to set the Medicare program on a sustainable long-term spending trajectory. -TS

Monday, May 23, 2011

Unborn Children Not OK with Truce

INDIANAPOLIS, IN--When Indiana governor Mitch Daniels raised the white flag asking that there be a "truce on social issues" he didn't speak for the unborn, who cringe at being labeled a "social issue" and who don't much like the idea of a truce being called on whether or not to kill them.

"It's personal for us. We would appreciate it if Gov. Daniels might recognize that there are things more important than a balanced budget," said a spokesman for unborn babies, "such as the right to life!"  -TS

Friday, May 13, 2011

"Obama Math" Now Taught in Schools

LANCASTER,PA--They're calling it "Obama Math" in the high school economic courses: that strategy of defining "budget cuts" as that which you might've spent in the future but now plan to save.

"It's really a cool budgeting tool," said Darby high school student Lawrence Jones. "You just say, 'I'm cutting the budget by a trillion dollars by saying you were planning on spending three trillion even if you were originally planning on spending two. It's cutting imaginary money, which makes it much less painful."

A 7th grader at a local middle school especially appreciated the "logic".

"My mom says I spend too much time on the phone and so I promised to cut back by saying that the rate of increase has slowed. I said if President Obama can get away with it, then why can't I? My mom said I don't have Obama's press corps." -TS

Romney "Defends" Romneycare

WASHINGTON D.C.--Mitt Romney gave a major campaign speech yesterday underlining the reasons he instituted "Romneycare", a health care plan in Massachusetts that many say looks and feels like Obamacare.

The former governor said that he felt the health care law in Massachusetts was good for Massachusetts because of states' rights.

"I prefer damage be done on the state level and not federal level. I'm proud of what Massachusetts did because it wasn't the federal government doing it but because we did it to ourselves. I say if you're going to hurt yourself, it's better to do it at the state level. If I'm elected president of the United States, I won't be screwing up anything because I feel like that should only be done on a state or local level." -TS

OBL's Son Creates Own Parody

Outti, Saudi Arabia--One of the sons of Osama bin Laden was shocked that his late father was not read his Miranda rights.

"I see a lot of corrupt Western TV," said Muhammed bin Laden, "and I know they're supposed to read you your Miranda rights. I've seen no report of this happening with my father."

Thursday, April 21, 2011

More Questions Raised about Obama's Birth

NEW YORK, NY--After insisting yesterday that President Obama show his birth certificate, Donald Trump said today that he questions whether the president was ever born at all.

"How do we know he was really born? Not just in this country, but on this planet? How do we know he wasn't born on Neptune or Mars?"

Conspiracy theorists known colloquially as "birthers" were thrilled.

"I'm glad The Donald is out there telling the truth," said Jeremy Shouldnotvote. "My theory is that Obama could be a hologram. Can you prove he isn't?"   -TS

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Debt Ceiling Vote Haunts Obama

WASHINGTON D.C.--President Obama said today he regrets having voted against the debt celing increase in 2006.

"I was wrong to vote on that one," he said. "It would've been better had I just voted 'present'. I tried hard to avoid controversial votes in the Senate in order to hoodwink the public into thinking I wasn't a big lib. I never thought this one would come back to bite me." -TS

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Obama's Hobby: War Collecting

WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Some collect butterflies. Other stamps or sports memorabilia. President Obama collects wars.

"I was given Iraq and Afghanistan from my predecessor and still have soldiers over there contrary to my campaign promises. Now I've added Libya to my collection. My goal is to eventually have all problematic countries in my war collection," said Obama on Tuesday.

Many wonder why the president seems to be acquiring new wars when the ones he has are expensive and time-consuming.

"The French goaded him into this. They said that if he doesn't go they will and that then his collection of intractable Middle Eastern wars would be incomplete," said one policy analyst. -TS

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Judgment Day

The committee to make us Christians look foolish has convened and put up a website. On the bright side perhaps we perform a service by giving the world a source of amusement.

"You know neither the day nor the hour." - Matt 25:13   -TS

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Trump Opens Mouth, Inserts Food

Most of the time when The Donald opens his piehole, I'm reminded of the old maxim 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.' -CE

Friday, March 11, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Local Man Predicts Sun Will Rise 365 Times This Year

"Every morning, sometime between 4:00am and 10:00am EST the Sun will rise," said an anonymous Mechanicsburg resident.

And Warren Buffet predicts the US will create more jobs this year than were created last year. - CE

Thursday, February 24, 2011

PanderBama Strikes Again!

Not doing so well with the base, huh? No problem, I'll have Carney release a statement calling The Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional .... -CE

Friday, February 4, 2011

Underachievers' Group Lowers Barriers to Entry

Schnectaday, NY-- A local support group for underachievers is lowering the barrier to entry by accepting non-dues paying members.

"We're not meeting the membership quotas we set out for ourselves," said the group's junior member, Mr. I.P. Daily. "So we decided make the qualifications less rigorous by ending the five dollar entry fee."

The group, which has no president or vice-president, has been in existence for almost two months.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Mubarak Pleads for Time to Use Restroom

CAIRO, EGYPT--Egyptian ruler Hosnie Mubarak promised to step down today after he goes to the bathroom.

This comes on the heels of multiple promises to relinquish control after increasingly shorter intervals beginning with, "I'll retire after a couple more election cycles," followed by "I won't run again," to finally, "Please, I'll quit very soon."

Mubarak's latest promise, to retire after he uses the presidential bathroom one last time, has only led to greater unrest.

"He's been in power thirty years," said one Egyptian. "He can use the pot on his own time."

The Egyptian strong man has already resigned three times but never without his fingers crossed behind his back.

"He has more comebacks than Michael Jordan," said Muhammed Akeem.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Laconic Cowboy Last to Join Facebook

Dead Gulch, AZ-- Laconic cowboy Terrence "Shooter" Orville became the last American to join Facebook.

"My sister in Memphis wanted me to join up, though I ain't got much to say," said Mr. Orville.

A quick look at Mr. Orville's "wall" confirms that. Since joining four months ago his only activity was to "like" the pop group ABBA.

Library Facilitates Its Own Demise

The Buckinghamshire public library has solved the problem of finding a place for all those books: just lock the doors and send everyone home -- library closed!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"Teachable Moment" an Oxymoron

A study released today by the University of Chicago showed that any moment labeled "teachable" by the media will, in fact, ensure the opposite.

"We found that use of the phrase 'teachable moment' was a turn-off. Generally, if you have to attempt to label it as teachable then, by definition, it's not. Teachable moments come through hard experience, not through partisan media blowhards lecturing the American people."

Other researchers concur, including one University of Michigan professor who questioned the wisdom of national conversations.

"We need to have a national conversation on whether there should be a moratorium on national conversations."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Early Adopter Swears off Afghanistan

Former Russian president Vladimir Putin says that the experience of the Soviet Union, which was an early adopter of Afghanistan beta version, should've helped the U.S. steer clear.

"Been there, done that. Afghanistan is full of bugs and crude work-arounds. The only thing stupider than our buying it was for America to go for the 'alpha' version, which has even more bugs than the beta."

Diplomats and policy analysts have noted that Afghanistan doesn't load properly, takes up too much RAM, is prone to failure and self-corrupts, among other deficiencies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Voters Come Home & Find the House Wrecked

WASHINGTON D.C.--Voters went on vacation in late 2008 and put one of their youngest sons in charge of home and hearth: Barack H. Obama.

Young Obama found the keys to the car and the liquor cabinet ajar and went on a wild 18-month D.C.-style spring break before voters came back home and voted in a new Congress to babysit him.

"I had no idea he would go that crazy," said an aunt, "he looks so calm and self-possessed. Never thought he had a wild hair like that."

Mr. Obama left the house in shambles, full of smashed beer cans, wild spending parties. He maxed out credit cards and took out loans his parents can't afford to pay back.
"I admit I probably got a bit carried away," said Obama upon looking at the wreckage he'd wrought. "But I'm betting history will look back at the wild spending debauch as necessary for saving the economy."

"Democrats Gone Wild": Celebrating passage of historically damaging legislation

Monday, November 15, 2010

Definition of Hubris -- NY Rep. Charles Rangel

Link here:
"New York Rep. Charles Rangel .. appears to have improperly used political-action committee money to pay for his defense ..."
He broke House Ethics Rules to pay for his defense regarding the breaking House Ethics Rules.   -CE

Monday, November 1, 2010

Liberal Media Continues "Elect a Democrat" Drive

The mainstream press continued its drive to get Democrats elected in the upcoming midterms by fixating on weak Republican candidates like Christine O'Donnell and ignoring weak Democrat candidates like Chris Coons.

The networks and print press have also declared a moratorium on discussing jobs or the economy, but instead have developed a sudden interest in finance campaign law, tracing the Republican domination of the polls to the party having too much in campaign funds.

A rally was held in Washington D.C. asking for a "return to civility", ironic considering Democrat hatred of George W. Bush, but something that can be relied on like clockwork whenever Democrats are losing.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


You're the head of an elitist, left-leaning organization where education is equated with goodness.

You "earn" hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

Your memo declaring that commentator Juan Williams "violated a principal" becomes public.

..hmm....maybe Vivian Schiller should consult the grammar girl:

Friday, October 22, 2010

Make NPR "National Private Radio"

I don't listen to NPR as a rule, but whenever I get on public transportation with an NPR Administrator, I get real nervous ...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

...inspired by comment on website that read:

O'Donnel/Palin in 2012!!
If you have Cojones you will Vote Witch/Bitch in 2012

Friday, October 15, 2010

Muslim Extremist Upset Over Tag

Abduhl Mohammed, who studied at U.C.L.A. and is a proponent of jihad, prefers the term "extremist who happens to be Muslim" rather than Muslim extremist. University professors from across the U.S. raced to vow to heretofore always refer to Muslim terrorists as "extremists who happen to be Muslim."

In a prepared statement, Mr. Mohammed said that in California he learned "to be very politically correct while also proficient in inflammatory Islamic rhetoric -- or inflammatory rhetoric that happens to be Islamic, if you will. My professors always emphasized being P.C. and the importance of the clause 'happens to be' when mentioning groups other than white males, and that's all I recall from the Great Satan's university. So I hereby declare a fatwa on all of those who use the term 'Muslim extremist'! Death to America!"

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Obama Takes On Rotary Club, Shriners

President Obama today charged the local rotary club and Shriners with funneling millions of foreign money into U.S. campaigns.

"I know it isn't my message that's broke, it's the campaign finance system. And chief among the culprits is the Republican money laundering operations of the rotary club and the Shriners," he said, without citing evidence. "I think the Shriners keep the money in those hats."

Obama then went on to accuse the Little Sisters of the Poor of nefarious Republican fund-raising.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Prove Me Wrong

Obama Not Naturalized Citizen! Ineligible for POTUS!

There, I said it. Now its up to the O'ministration to prove me wrong.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Senate Bill Ensures Rights for 26-year olds

They can drink alcohol, vote, and go to war but recent health care legislation relieves twenty-six year olds of the responsibility of paying for health insurance. And now, if Senate Bill 1620 becomes law, they will be entitled to a weekly allowance from their parents, no "time outs" and free ice cream.

"It's a way of saying 'thank you' to the twenty-somethings who voted for me," said President Obama.

Critics call the bill "condescending to our young adults" but a co-sponsor of the bill said that he was "outraged by the suggestion that free ice cream could be demagogued by those on the right."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Obama the Next Sean Hannity?

Given his off-the-cuff remarks on Gates-gate, the mosque near Ground Zero, and Fox News, insiders say that President Obama is sharpening his skills to fill the 9pm time slot on MSNBC after his career in the White House. Critics say that his latest comments could easily rest in the mouth of a partisan host like Sean Hannity [only the names have been changed]:
In his most forceful criticism of President Obama yet, Sean Hannity told Rolling Stone that the president is “ultimately destructive for the long-term growth of a country.”

“You had folks like FDR who used their power very intentionally to promote their viewpoints. I think Obama is part of that tradition – it is part of the tradition that has a very clear, undeniable point of view,” Hannity said.

Unsurprisingly, Hannity called Obama's voice “a point of view that I disagree with. It’s a point of view that I think is ultimately destructive for the long-term growth of a country that has a vibrant middle class and is competitive in the world.”

“But as a matter of passing destructive legislation, he's been wildly successful. And I suspect that if you ask Mr. Obama what his number one concern is, it’s that he be very successful at passing destructive legislation.”

Monday, September 27, 2010

Obama Administration Approves Book Burning

While the O'ministration speaks out publicly against burning the Koran, they have no trouble burning 9,500 copies of "Operation Dark Heart," Army Reserve Lt. Col. Anthony Shaffer's memoir about going undercover in Afghanistan.

"Operation Dark Heart" had already been approved by the army (because info in it was already public). But the Defense Intelligence Agency read the book, and determined that parts of it compromised national security. After negotiations, they paid $5 per book to burn 9,500 existing copies and worked with the publisher to remove the objectionable content.

How's that for audacity?!

The O'ministraion spoke out against burning copies of the Koran because it might inflame religious tension abroad, then used taxpayer money to burn copies of a soldier's memoirs because the content might inflame US Citizens.   -CE

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Language Maven Upset Over Phrase "Happy Hour 5-8pm"

O.C.D. Sufferer Awaits Smudge-Free iPad

Brendan Jones, 42, of Poughkeepsie, NY is waiting patiently for Apple to come out with a smudge-free iPad.

"I had an iPad for a couple days," he said, "but had to send it back because I was compulsively cleaning it every few seconds. I was spending more time cleaning it than using it."

Mr. Jones says that his iPad free life allows more time for dusting the furniture and wiping the surface of the television screen.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010