Wednesday, January 16, 2008

New Microsoft System Monitors Workers' Bodies

[Based on this]
SEATTLE, WA--Microsoft announced today the development of new Big Brother-style software capable of remotely monitoring a worker's productivity, physical well-being and competence.

But there are still errors in the company's "gamma" testing.

The new software has led to lawsuits in ten states due to volunteer subjects suddenly experiencing unexpected "employee reboots" in which blood pressure and pulse dropped to dangerously low levels. There are also rumors of deaths, which, if true, represent a grisly human equivalent to the famous "blue screen of death".

"Some companies call their testing 'beta' testing, but we do all our beta testing in production. We let our customers do our testing for us in order to be more profitable," said one company executive on condition of anonymity. "Microsoft customers should be glad they're not the ones dying...yet!"

Some subjects report experiencing "pop-ups", in which they suddenly leap out of their seat and make random advertising pitches with wildly gesticulating hand gestures.

"Close me here!" shouted one study volunteer during her sales pitch while pointing to her elbow. (She continued to scream even after touched there.)

Other health concerns include subject susceptibility to a myriad of viruses including trojanus equinus due to lax Microsoft safety.

Bill Gates tries to explain inexplicable 'reboot' of volunteer


William Luse said...

In my opinion, there's a best-selling science fiction novel to be gotten out of this. If you only had the time.

TS said...

I wish I could write science fiction. Heck I wish I could write fiction. You ever going to shop your first novel to publishers? And/or write another one?

William Luse said...

I've told you this story before. Many years ago I shopped it around, got a lot of compliments, a few insults, and no takers. One company, Scribner's, acted like they would take it, but didn't. Kept it for a year. It wore me out. I shopped it around again after the recent revisions, same result. It's incredibly hard to get fiction published (good fiction, I mean), and I just don't give a damn anymore. I don't know if you can imagine the labor that goes into it, but if you can, then also imagine knowing before you start that you will probably find no reward, however modest, after two years in which nearly everything else in life is put on hold. I have a friend up in Georgia with whom I recently re-established contact. He sent me two of his novellas. Masterful little things. He's really learned his craft. Even Marion Montgomery read them, loved them, and recommended them to his publisher. They still wouldn't take it. And thus goes the world. He's still writing though, just finished another novel. I wish him luck.

TS said...

Yeah I misspoke on that "ever going to shop your novel" part. I knew you'd shopped it around without success. I just didn't know whether being fed up with trying to market it was a permanent condition or not.

William Luse said...

In my case, it is. Doesn't mean I won't write something else, though.