SEATTLE, WA--Microsoft announced today the development of new Big Brother-style software capable of remotely monitoring a worker's productivity, physical well-being and competence.
But there are still errors in the company's "gamma" testing.
The new software has led to lawsuits in ten states due to volunteer subjects suddenly experiencing unexpected "employee reboots" in which blood pressure and pulse dropped to dangerously low levels. There are also rumors of deaths, which, if true, represent a grisly human equivalent to the famous "blue screen of death".
"Some companies call their testing 'beta' testing, but we do all our beta testing in production. We let our customers do our testing for us in order to be more profitable," said one company executive on condition of anonymity. "Microsoft customers should be glad they're not the ones dying...yet!"
Some subjects report experiencing "pop-ups", in which they suddenly leap out of their seat and make random advertising pitches with wildly gesticulating hand gestures.
"Close me here!" shouted one study volunteer during her sales pitch while pointing to her elbow. (She continued to scream even after touched there.)
Other health concerns include subject susceptibility to a myriad of viruses including trojanus equinus due to lax Microsoft safety.