WASHINGTON, D.C.-- America's long national nightmare, the presidential campaign, is set to end tomorrow night.
Voters wearied by robo-calls, push-polling and blitzkrieg ads will finally get a rest.
"I'm sure glad it's over," said one retiree. "I even got a call from Pat Boone! I hate to say this, but I thought he'd passed!"
The campaign, which lasted just over three years but only felt like twelve, will finally allow us to put away our rhetorical flourishes.
The mainstream media, which now prefers to be called the Obamastream MediaTM, is also relieved that poll numbers suggest all their efforts were not in vain.