Passengers Punished Until Morale Improves

WASHINGTON D.C.-- John B. Mindownbusiness was charged yesterday with reading a magazine during the last hour of a flight from Pittsburgh to Newark.

The latest air travel regulations forbid bathroom breaks or having anything on one's lap during the last hour of a flight, resulting in a new acronym for TSA: "Totally Stupid and Asinine".

Observers say that bureaucracies such as the TSA are not known for exercising common sense but that this marks a new low.

"If a terrorist was eating a banana on board, will they ban bananas in case the peel might be used to trip someone?" asked one peeved passenger.

Napolitano no Meryl Streep

Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano received poor reviews yesterday for her star turn on ABC's This Week.

Napolitano, who according to the script was set up as foil for substitute host Jake Tapper, flubbed her lines and gestures when instead of squirming and gaining some viewer sympathy under the tough questioning of a rightfully dismayed Tapper, simply wore a "what, me worry?" grin.

"Napolitano was terrible, she was in CYA mode when a little humility was called for. I give the performance one-star and suggest she go back to acting school," said one television critic.

Another argued that her appearance might've been the textbook example of a politician saying nothing.

"I think we've got to be close to the tipping point as far as tolerance of a politician's decision to say nothing in an interview. I think we're getting close to where it will do more damage for someone to come on a show as Janet Napolitano did on ABC's This Week, versus the alternative of not going on at all. The script called for her to say that from now on if your father rats on you and your name is Abdulmutallab, then at least you're gonna get wanded. But when the curtain went up she forgot her lines."

EPA Declares Emissions a "Threat to Public Health"

[Link] EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said in a written statement that the finding marks the start of a U.S. campaign to tackle greenhouse gas emissions. "These long-overdue findings cement 2009's place in history as the year when the United States Government began addressing the challenge of greenhouse-gas pollution and seizing the opportunity of clean-energy reform," she said.

The declaration also paves the way for the Federal Gov't to 'earn' extra money to help pay off the huge $13,000,000,000,000.00 (13 Trillion Dollar) Federal debt. The EPA has stated they are ready to impose a 'Breath Tax.' Since CO2 emissions are a threat to public health, the EPA will require each individual to pay a fee for each breath they exhale (inhalation will still be free).

The fee will "reward those who exhale less, and punish those that exhale excessively," said an EPA spokesperson.

The EPA expects the tax to be on the order of one cent per exhale "in order to make it affordable for most middle class families". The tax will increase over the next 10 years to a as-yet-to-be-determined upper tier, which will ensure the US is "leading the way to a cleaner, greener planet, although one with plastic plants, because real plants emit CO2 at night and when they decompose or burn."

The Balderdashatorium, an Economic Think-tank in Washington, estimates the new tax to cost the average family with 2.5 children and an average annual income of $50,000 just $438,000 per year. At that rate, the national debt will be paid off "in time for our grandchildren's retirement". Of course, larger families might have to cut back on breathing in order to be able to afford the tax. Tax credits for those who live below the poverty line are under consideration.

The O'ministration also talked of easing restrictions on lending to allow average families to borrow the $388,000 they'll need to satisfy the new CO2 tax. Wall Street responded today to stock offerings from new startup companies that will capitalize on devices that will reduce the amount of breathes per minute, or capture exhalations and hold them until they can be released in a country where exhales aren't taxed.

Experts also expect there will be mass migrations near the northern and southern US borders, where people will be able to inhale in the US, then cross the border to exhale and avoid the Breath Tax. Both Mexican and Canadian authorities are very concerned about the extra CO2 their countries expect to have to absorb, not to mention the halitosis associated with so many exhalations. -CE

O'ministration Regulates School Supplies

[Link]: "A notebook sold to a student out of a supply machine at Mill Creek Elementary School bears a logo and slogan similar to those used in the Obama campaign last year. The supplier also distributed pencils with a similar theme."

Greg Jones, a sales representative with Pencil Wholesale, said the design was no accident.

"The Obama Administration knows what's best for Americans both and illegal aliens, and that includes what's best for their children, right down to their school supplies." -CE