Obama Orders Debt/Deficit to Shrink

WASHINGTON D.C. -- President Barack Obama issued an executive order today commanding the federal debt and deficit to "shrink and desist immediately," even while refusing to pay for an extension of unemployment benefits with unused stimulus monies.

"By the power invested in me, as President and savior of these United States, I order this pesky debt and deficit to shrink and desist immediately if not even sooner," he said to a roomful of sycophantic reporters.

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Obama Victim of Spendgasm Addiction

WASHINGTON D.C. - Doctors today confirmed that President Barack Obama is suffering from a dangerous addiction to spendgasms, the orgasmic short-term pleasure felt after something is purchased but not paid-for.

"He's got it bad," said one Dr. Emerson Tas. "He is quite willing to bring the country down rather than bring his addiction to keel."

Interventionists suggest a 12-step program for the most spendgasmic President in history.

"He needs to acknowledge a higher power," said Dr. Tas, "and by that I don't mean the Chinese."

The Decision

We're going to take our talents to South Central Ohio.

That's the decision reached here at Parody is Therapy after weeks spent weighing offers from Rye, New York, Wausau, Wisconsin and Bald Gap, Kentucky.

The decision was a difficult one and was made shortly after getting up this morning and talking to our moms. But we felt we owed it to the state of Ohio to stay and to keep parodying for all your therapeutic purposes.

O-H! I-O!

Future SCOTUS Nominee Can't Comment

BAKERSFIELD, CA- Regina Philcoe, 7, refuses to comment on anything due to a potential conflict-of-interest if she fulfills her dream and becomes a Supreme Court justice.

"When teachers ask questions in class, Ms. Philcoe refuses to answer because someone could be covertly recording it and putting it on YouTube," said a family attorney for Philcoe. "Her goal is to become a Supreme Court justice and while watching the hearings she found that the best strategy to attain that goal is to comment on nothing."

Relatives of Philcoe say she's pretty much a "blank slate."

"I once asked her which team she rooted for and she declined to answer lest she offend future Senate judiciary members," said her uncle Jerry Philcoe. "You can tell she's learned a lot from recent Supreme Court nomination hearings."